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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 28.02.04 19:13l 111 Lines 4583 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2920-ZL3AI
Read: GUEST DL4NWM
Subj: Exercise/Parking/Visit
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Sent: 040228/0950Z @:ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC #:20006 [Chch-NZ] FBB7.00i $:2920-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
Exercise
--------
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!
Helpful Parking Rules:
----------------------
Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the
road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from
passing.
Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible.
Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule No. 3: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you
is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and
take it from him.
Rule No. 4: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other
driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
Rule No. 5: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with
your door really hard.
Rule No. 6: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes
and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule No. 7: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a
friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the
middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging
passengers.
Rule No. 8: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and
waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way
and let the car behind you take it.
Rule No. 9: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross
or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt
to pass him.
Rule No. 10: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through
the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic,
and wait.
Rule No. 11: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between
parked vehicles.
Rule No. 12: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking
lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that
Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule No. 13: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot
in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat,
and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your
lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just
bought.
Rule No. 14: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart
in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into
another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push
it down the parking lot aisle and let it go.
Rule No. 15: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center,
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are
getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next
aisle and do it again.
Rule No. 16: When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers
walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain
remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that
scares the **** out of them.
Rule No. 17: If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall's
parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule No. 18: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it,
take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective
if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___
witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and
phone number."
A Visit
-------
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of
patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first
patient and the patient replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great
chieftain of the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, As langs my
airm."
Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and
greets him. The patient responds, "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some
wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be
thankit."
Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next
patient who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous
beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."
Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "What kind of
facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"
"No" replies the doctor, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."
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