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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 26.01.04 11:30l 101 Lines 5565 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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To : HUMOUR@WW
The True Stella Awards
----------------------
The TRUE Stella Awards -- 2002 Winners
Unlike the FAKE cases that have been highly circulated online for the last
several years (see http://www.StellaAwards.com/bogus.html for details), the
following cases have been researched from public sources and are confirmed
TRUE by the ONLY legitimate source for the Stella Awards:
http://www.stellaawards.com/
#7: Attorney Philip Shafer of Ashland, Ohio, flew on Delta Airlines from
New Orleans to Cincinnati and was given a seat, he says, next to a fat man.
"He was a huge man," Shafer says. "He and I [were] literally and
figuratively married from the right kneecap to the shoulder for two hours."
He therefore "suffered embarrassment, severe discomfort, mental anguish and
severe emotional distress," he claims in a lawsuit against the airline.
Shafer figures this embarrassment, discomfort, mental anguish and emotional
distress could be cured by a $9,500 payment from Delta. If Shafer isn't
careful, that might be dwarfed by the divorce settlement his "huge"
(seat)mate might demand.
#6: "The Godfather of Soul" James Brown has a "grudge" against his
daughters Deanna Brown Thomas and Yamma Brown Lumar, they allege. They say
Brown "vowed to the media that his daughters will never get a dime from
him" and "James Brown has kept his word." So they have done what any kid
would do when cut off from their rich daddy's bank account: they sued him
for more than $1 million, claiming that they are owed royalties on 25 of
his songs which, they say, they helped him write even though, at the time,
they were children. For instance, when Brown's 1976 hit "Get Up Offa That
Thing" was a chart-topper, the girls were aged 3 and 6. It's enough to make
Brown switch to the Blues.
#5: Utah prison inmate Robert Paul Rice, serving 1-15 years on multiple
felonies, sued the Utah Department of Corrections claiming the prison was
not letting him practice his religion: "Druidic Vampire". Rice claimed that
to do that, he must be allowed sexual access to a "vampress". In addition,
the prison isn't supplying his specific "vampiric dietary needs" (yes:
blood). Records show that Rice registered as a Catholic when he was
imprisoned in 2000. "Without any question we do not have conjugal visits in
Utah," said a prison spokesman when the suit was thrown out. Which just
goes to prove prison life sucks.
#4: Every time you visit your doctor, you're told the same old things: eat
less, exercise more, stop smoking. Do you listen? Neither did Kathleen Ann
McCormick. The obese, cigarette-smoking woman from Wilkes-Barre, Penn., had
high blood pressure, high cholesterol and a family history of coronary
artery disease. Yet doctors at the Department of Veterans Affairs Medical
Center "did not do enough" to convince her to work to improve her own
health. Unsurprisingly, she had a heart attack which, she says in a federal
lawsuit, left her a "cardiac invalid". In addition to eight doctors, she's
suing their employer -- the U.S. government -- demanding a minimum of $1
million in compensation.
#3: In 1997 Bob Craft, then 39, of Hot Springs, Montana, changed his name
to Jack Ass. Now, he says that MTV's TV show and movie "Jackass" was
"plagiarized" from him, infringes his trademarks and copyrights, and that
this has demeaned, denigrated and damaged his public image. No attorney
would take the case, so he has filed suit on his own against MTV's
corporate parent, demanding $50 million in damages. If nothing else, Jack
Ass has proved he chose his name well.
#2: Hazel Norton of Rolling Fork, Miss., read there was a class action suit
against the drug Propulsid, which her doctor had prescribed to her for a
digestive disorder. Despite admitting that "I didn't get hurt by
Propulsid," Norton thought "I might get a couple of thousand dollars" by
joining the lawsuit. When her doctor was named in the suit, he quit his
Mississippi practice -- where he was serving the poor. He left with his
wife, a pediatrician and internist. That left only two doctors practicing
at the local hospital. So while Norton wasn't harmed by the drug, all her
neighbors now get to suffer from drastically reduced access to medical care
because of her greed.
AND THE WINNER of the 2002 True Stella Awards: sisters Janice Bird, Dayle
Bird Edgmon and Kim Bird Moran sued their mother's doctors and a hospital
after Janice accompanied her mother, Nita Bird, to a minor medical
procedure. When something went wrong, Janice and Dayle witnessed doctors
rushing their mother to emergency surgery. Rather than malpractice, their
legal fight centered on the "negligent infliction of emotional distress" --
not for causing distress to their mother, but for causing distress to THEM
for having to SEE the doctors rushing to help their mother. The case was
fought all the way to the California Supreme Court, which finally ruled
against the women. Which is a good thing, since if they had prevailed
doctors and hospitals would have had no choice but to keep YOU from being
anywhere near your family members during medical procedures just in case
something goes wrong. In their greed, the Bird sisters risked everyone's
right to have family members with them in emergencies.
Banker
------
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I
would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried
and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as
soon as we catch him."
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