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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 26.01.04 11:25l 91 Lines 3808 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2702-ZL3AI
Read: DH0GHU GUEST DL4NWM
Subj: Doctor/Practitioners/Pets
Path: DB0FHN<DB0FOR<DB0SIF<DB0EA<DB0ACC<DB0GOS<ON0AR<ON0AR<7M3TJZ<EA5AKC<
VK3TE<ZL2BAU<ZL2BAU<ZL3VML
Sent: 040126/0902Z @:ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC #:17630 [Chch-NZ] FBB7.00i $:2702-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
Doctor
------
Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw,
when he accidentally cut off all of his fingers. He quickly ran down the
street to the emergency room. The doctor quickly examined his hands and
asked for the fingers.
"I don't have the fingers." Ben gasped through his pain.
"What do you mean you don't have the fingers? We aren't living in the Dark
Ages here! I can reattach those fingers and you'd be as good as new! Why
didn't you bring the fingers?"
"Gosh, Doc!" Ben yelled. "I guess I couldn't pick 'em up!"
Practitioners
-------------
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get
well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists,
proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in
your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose
doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he
sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!
Pets
----
Dear Dog and/or Cat:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print
in the middle of my plate and food does not automatically stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. I suggest you look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must actually exit through the
same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years
.... canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough. This would be a simple, but much appreciated,
change from you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door ....
Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here ... you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats
are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying
the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion
dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
5. They love you unconditionally when it seems like everyone else has
turned their back on your and no matter how horrible your day has been.
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