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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 23.12.03 19:29l 175 Lines 5993 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2542-ZL3AI
Read: DH0GHU GUEST DL4NWM
Subj: Sports/Cat/Helpful/Aging
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Sent: 031223/1044Z @:ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC #:15173 [Chch-NZ] FBB7.00i $:2542-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
Bizarre Sporting Mishaps
------------------------
After beating 1000 rivals in a 500-mile race, Percy the racing pigeon
flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft and was promptly eaten by a cat.
In preparation for the 1992 New York Golden Gloves Championships, boxer
Daniel Caruso psyched himself up by pounding his gloves into his face. In
doing so, he broke his nose and was disqualified from the match.
While waving to the crowd after finishing fourth in the 500cc US Motor
Cycle Championship in 1989, Kevin Magee fell off the machine and broke his
leg.
During a cricket game in Kalgoorlie, Australia, Stan Dawson was hit by a
delivery which ignited a box of matches in his pocket. As he tried to beat
down the flames, he was tagged out.
Russian athlete Ivanon Vyacheslav was so thrilled to win a medal at the
1956 Melbourne Olympics that he threw the medal high into the air. It
landed in Lake Wendouree, and was never found.
Wrapping Presents With A Cat
----------------------------
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close
door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer
since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the
present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't
reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent
sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky
tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat
as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is
right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable
room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and
re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the
small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing
down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and
decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating
yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious
conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire
to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the
door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as
they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped
present.
39. Vow to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the
thing for you.
Helpful
-------
My wife asked me to help wrap Christmas presents this year, and I did...
But she didn't tell me to put tags on them, so I think I'm in trouble.
Again.
The Alphabet of Aging
---------------------
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other
gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few
lapses in my M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll
be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing
medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also
rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive) so
Z is for zest -- For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, And keeping
twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.
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