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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 23.12.03 19:28l 163 Lines 5393 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2549-ZL3AI
Read: DH0GHU GUEST DL4NWM
Subj: Pets/Carols/Turtle/Riddles
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Sent: 031223/0945Z @:ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC #:15167 [Chch-NZ] FBB7.00i $:2549-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
Pet lovers manifesto
--------------------
It is that time of the year to nail manifestos to the door: Here is one
for you pet lovers. If this does not make you smile, Don't know what will.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a
ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is
nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs' butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Name That Christmas Carol + the correct answers
-------------------------------------------------
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time:2400 hrs - Weather:Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
"Name That Christmas Carol, the Answers"
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. G-d Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas
Turtle
------
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and
his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your
dog!"
"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end
of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your
dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be
there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to
the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room,
narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
Christmas Riddles
-----------------
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It's Christmas, Eve!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Mr. Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What does Father Christmas write on his cards at Christmas?
A: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (no-L)
Q: What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for
Christmas?
A: It was already wound up.
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