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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 23.12.03 19:28l 108 Lines 4299 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: Q&A/Murder/Gravity/Valet
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Sent: 031223/0028Z @:ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC #:15134 [Chch-NZ] FBB7.00i $:2492-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
Q&A
---
Q: What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto
Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
Murder
------
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, Artie, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and
arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with
a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie".
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but
that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept
the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway
grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the
produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to
leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce
manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras
and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the
police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid
plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
DRUM ROLL
( PAUSE )
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline
declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
Gravity
-------
I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a non-renewable
resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree... "With the
present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be
exhausted before the 24th century."
There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and
decrease in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects of
the disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the
effects of vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children
will probably have to deal with the issue.
It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to
consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges
and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for
the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer
and an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo dancing will be
more difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run the hurdles.
Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help...
PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY
Follow these simple suggestions:
(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2) Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
(4) Avoid showers & take baths instead.
(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet. Keep them in one big pile.
(6) Stop flipping pancakes
This is no joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the
opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your great
grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for fear of
floating away in a wind storm. Please be gravity conscious.
Valet parking service
---------------------
The county highway commissioner, was driving to the hospital for treatment
of his painful leg, he decided to use the valet parking service so he
wouldn't have to walk far.
Staring at his official-looking vehicle, one of the valets asked him if he
was driving a government car.
"Why, yes," he replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an
unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the
first time I've been in the front seat."
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