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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 27.12.21 09:04l 158 Lines 5260 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24416_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 27/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211227/0647Z 24416@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Look for rain when the crow flies low
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Did You Know -
-Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
--
Subject: School Children Writing About The Sea
.. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
.. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
.. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island .. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
.. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
.. A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy
age 8)
.. My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily
Burniston age 5)
.. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be
better off eating beans. (William age 7)
.. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
.. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my
big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
.. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
.. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)
. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age 8)
.. On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot
up her fanny (Julie age 7)
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A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
House it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
Came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on
The back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
His card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
Laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
For I was naked."
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The Funny Side of Marriage
* One woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
Wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Well,
Yes, but I married the wrong man."
* Getting married is very much like going out to a restaurant
With friends. You order what you want, then when you see
What the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's' degree and the woman gets her master's.
* Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
* A man once said, "I never knew what real happiness was
Until I got married; and then it was too late."
* A man took out a classified ad saying "Wife wanted". The
Next day he received a hundred responses saying "You can
Have mine."
* Some men define marriage as a very expensive way to get
Your laundry done free.
* And some learn that the most effective way to remember
Your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you
Know that either the wife is new - or the car is.
* Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't care!"
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After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that
was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told
him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair
weans, so wur no).
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem
but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework banger available from
most east end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can
up to your ear and count to 10.
The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae
see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair
weans.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and
began to count: '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ..... At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock,
Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Paisley, and Old Kilpatrick.
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