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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 25.12.21 10:19l 180 Lines 8915 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24315_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 25/12 Merry Christmas
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Sent: 211225/0756Z 24315@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When stars shine clear and bright, we will have a very cold night
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Did You Know -
-The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood.
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Paraprosdokian of the day
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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THE AMISH & ELEVATORS
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator/lift) responded, "Son,
I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.. Finally the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ............... "Go get your mother."
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Passport Application
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my license or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologize Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
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There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their bums.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 58f women surveyed feel their bum is too big.
2. 108f women surveyed feel their bum is too small.
3. The remaining 85<ay they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
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Tribute to Dr. Spooner
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The Bank Robber
Which reminds me of the fellow who robbed a bank, then booked luxury class
Passage on an ocean liner. In hot pursuit were two policemen. The first
Night at sea, they observed the miscreant hiding his ill gotten gains under
The tarpaulin of a lifeboat. One officer whispered to the other, "That's
What I call stowing in guile." (Don Hauptman)
On Safari
We were creeping through hostile jungle, well camouflaged. I was covered
With vines. My wife wore twigs. And so we pressed on bravely with sod on
Our guide. (Anthony Gray)
Gershwin
George Gershwin, vacationing on Cape Cod with several colleagues, couldn't
Decide whether to rehearse a composition or spend the afternoon cycling
Along the beach. "Which shall it be?" he asked his friends. "Do we get down
To work, or do we bike up the strand?" (Joseph Gelband)
Audubon
John James Audubon, pursuing an intense interest in the genetic traits of
Birds, raised a colony of European crows. One day, he met a friend who
Inquired, "Bred any good rooks lately?" (Michael Deskey)
The Newsboy
In Moscow, people felt sorry for the urchin who trudged along, bent under
His heavy load of newspapers. But little Ivan held his head with pride,
Because, after all, he did have a clutch of Tass. (Mary Ann Miller)
The Lab Rat
The laboratory rat, despite all urging, stubbornly refused to perform the
Assigned experiments. After a while, however, he reconsidered, and wended
His maze. (Nanette Jay)
The Padre
Father O'Flaherty tried to enjoy himself at a baseball game, but the man
Sitting next to him kept bothering him with lots of questions. The priest
Bought a hot dog, and the vendor handed it to the talkative man. He passed
It along to Father O'Flaherty, who downed it in one gulp. This was the
First time a hot dog had ever gone from the prying fan into the friar.
Blenders
The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home blenders and
mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like
this: "When in the South, yu'all, be sure to come to see the famous
Dason Mixin' Line.
Filming in Greece
The famous film director, fighting a severe cold, was nevertheless on
location in Athens, determined to complete his movie. One scene at an
ancient ruin required so many takes that Milos soon developed laryngitis.
To this day, locals who worked on the set remember the director as the
hoarse Forman of the Acropolis. (Chris Doyle)
Travelers
When Horrace Greely said, "go west young man." he had to eat his words.
Many people tried to travel to the western states by rail road. The seats
on the rail cars were very small and many of the larger people had to stay
home. Thus the saying was born, "No west for the reary."
Borders
Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll down the
mountain across our fields, making endless little rivulets. My wife spend
much of the year working on the borders of these streams, working hard to
keep the borders clear and clean. If there is anything she likes, it is to
weed a good brook. (Donald Hall)
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Rain
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"Rain is caused by big, high-pressure areas; cold fronts; warm, moist air;
And the first day of your vacation."
May I wish all my readers (you) a very Merry Christmas ....
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Best Wishes
Dave
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