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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.12.21 09:04l 351 Lines 14079 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24470_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 28/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211228/0650Z 24470@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When the days begin to lengthen the cold begins to strengthen
-----
*HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE*
Please do not Google or check this with Snopes.
They will lie to you. Trust me!
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader
by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself
a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And
Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast,
broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she
was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why
dost thou travel so far from town to town with
thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were
several saddle bags short of a camel load, but
simply said, "How, dear?
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the
towns and drums in between to send messages
saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price. The
sale can be made on the drums and delivery made
by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let
Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums
rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price,
without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from
overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot
devised a system that only she and the drummers
knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound
(MSDOS), and she also developed a language to
transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the
People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading
as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land
was so feverish with joy at the new riches and
the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of
Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the
land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made
that would work only with Brother Gates' drum
heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have
started is being taken over by others." And
Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a
name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because
it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young
Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he
was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate
things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide
to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
*I would not make up this stuff, trust me.*
Sent faster than a flying shovel.....
--
Upset (I've done something similar !)
-----
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging
around pots and pans in the kitchens. When she goes downstairs she sees
that he is looking for something to eat but more importantly is very
upset about something.
"What's the problem darling? Didn't your program work?"
"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning and it
worked!"
"Then what's the matter? Where there are a lot of bugs in it?"
"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked and it worked
perfectly!"
"So what's wrong?"
"I was so tired when I finished I decided to take a little nap just for a
few minutes."
"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife
inquired.
"no I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the BACKSPACE KEY!!!!"
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road...?
--------------------------------------
DR. PHIL
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realise that he must
first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after
the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him
realise how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems
before adding "NEW" problems of roads.
OPRAH
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls which is a part of life I'm going to give
this chicken a car and a driver ...so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either
against us or for us. There is no middle ground here...Cheney told me to
say that.
DONALD RUMSFELD
Now to the left of the screen you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN
We have reason to believe there is a chicken but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am for it now and will remain against it.
JUDGE JUDY
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
yes the chicken crossed the road but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front
of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they
call it the "other side. yes my friends that chicken is gay. And if you
eat that chicken you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens
until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with
seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not
be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
RUBIN
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road and we waited 20 years for the radio to be
invented and confirm it...that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell for the first time the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken2017 which will not only cross roads but
will lay eggs file your important documents and balance your cheque book.
Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much
more stable and will never cra... #@&&^( C \..... Reboot.
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
Biker Thoughts
--------------
- Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of
oil on the ground.
- The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
- Bikes don't leak oil they mark their territory.
- A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
- Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.
- A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.
- Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.
- Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
- A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the
middle of nowhere.
- Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit
- Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
- If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
- Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck.
- There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old drunk riders.
- Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
Counsel
-------
A wise man seeks much counsel...a fool listens to all of it.
-- Larry Burkett
---------------------
Wisdom from the military manual!!
"If the enemy is in range so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
"You you and you ... Panic. The rest of you come with me."
- U.S. Marine corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
US army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . . Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running keep up with him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil. For
I am at 80000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage it's probably a helicopter
-- and therefore unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot
screws up the pilot dies If ATC screws up... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill." (Don't know if I completely agree with
this one)
"Airspeed altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation We never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world it can just barely kill
you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft having torn off the
wings and tail in the crash landing the crash truck arrives the rescuer sees
a bloodied pilot and asks"What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't
know I just got here myself!"
------------------
A 40-something mum was passing by her daughter's bedroom one day and
was surprised to see her bed was nicely made and the room actually tidy?
She then noticed an envelope propped up prominently on the middle of the
bed addressed "Mum." With the worst of fears she opened the envelope
and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mum It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you
and Dad. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed he is so nice even with
all his piercings tattoos beard and his motorcycle clothes. It's not just the
passion Mum I'm also pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy.
He already owns a caravan in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. He wants to have many more children and that's now one
of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that Marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all
the coke and ecstasy we want. In the meantime we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better he really deserves it!! Don't
worry Mum I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand
children.
Your loving daughter Judith xxx
P.S. Mum none of the above is true I'm over at Kirsten's house. I just wanted
to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's
sitting on the fireplace. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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