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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.12.21 09:34l 382 Lines 10451 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24255_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 23/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0BLO<DB0ERF<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<
GB7YEW
Sent: 211223/0708Z 24255@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The higher the clouds the better the weather
------
Did You Know -
-Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut
From women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
---
Proverbs
Nothing is a mistake everything is learning
--
TO ALL Radio Hams:-
'Twas the night of the Contest, with all at the club,
Not a contact was made, and we should have been at the pub;
The operators were snoozing without any care,
In hopes that someone would show up on the air;
The early shift was nestled all snug in their cots,
While one was keyed down not minding his watts.
The chili had gone cold, and the beer it was warm,
the fire was out but there was no harm.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the door and tripped over a wire,
Someone had to get up and light up the fire.
Some headlights reflected off the new fallen snow,
Giving the impression of mid-day to objects below;
I thought it was something from the ionosphere,
But red Ford truck did finally appear,
With a grumpy old driver, just out of the blizzard,
I knew in a moment it was the bearded wizard.
More rapid than RTTY his shouts they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now! Steve, now! Rick, now! Jeff, and Ryan,
“On! Craig, on! Brad, on! Big Mike, and Dan;
“Get your arses out here and pick up some wood!"
We all got up as fast as we could.
The logs they were passed hand over hand,
And soon things were hopping and we got on the bands;
We called out CQ and the responses they flew,
The loggers were so busy sorting the crew.
The rotors they spun in the sky as we searched,
But the one got stuck and started to lurch.
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The wizard was jarring the tower for proof
That the antenna was turning, we shouted hooray,
All shuffled to the stations from the doorway.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And pounded CW, then turned with a jerk,
And giving a nod, we finished the Q
There was such a pileup we had so much to do.
He tuned up the amp with a bit of a whistle,
Running with power is always so blissful.
The contest was through, we'd done it just right,
Happy DX to all, and to all a good night.
73 & Merry Christmas
de GM3YEW
=========
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE,
MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY,
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO,
IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES,
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT,
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR,
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED,
A TRUE BRITISH SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO,
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALISED THE FAMILIES,
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS,
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE,
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM,
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER,
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE,
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT,
A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES,
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED,
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS...
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL,
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED,
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE,
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOUR,
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
This poem was written by a Peacekeeping soldier stationed overseas. The
following is his request. I think it is reasonable.
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favour of sending this to as many people as
you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to all of the
service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's
try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and
think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.
Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.
Please Share..............
--
What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?
... A receding hair line.
-----------
Drowning
--------
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the
deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.
A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't
swim. Please save her! I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the
woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at
the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do
I owe you?"
Some Sympathy!
--------------
Dad was up early Saturday morning mowing with a lawn mower around some
trees near our pond. The grass was still wet from the dew, which made the slope
he was mowing very slick. While lifting an evergreen branch, Dad's foot slipped
under the mower!
He was very lucky, the blade didn't cut through his shoes. It did whack his big toe
a few times before he managed to pull his foot out though.
A few days later, Dad was telling the story to a neighbour, and showing him his
bruised and swollen toe. The neighbour took a close look at the toe and then
said, "Looks like you need to sharpen your lawn mower blade."
Married
-------
My wife said she wishes I would act like I did before we married....
So I started dating.
Island
------
"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on
Vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which leads to the
Question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?'"
Work
----
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,
Some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." -- Sam Ewing
Holidaymakers' Complaints
-------------------------
According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holiday makers are just never
Satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer
Complaints received by the firm in recent years:
1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every
Restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.
2. The beach was too sandy.
3. I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was
Too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.
4. It rained on my birthday.
5. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as
my husband spent all day looking at other women.
6. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
Not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
Needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.
8. We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euro from a street trader, only
To find out they were fake.
9. None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the same
As at home.
10. I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It
Was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.
----------------
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.
'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000
AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, SCOTLAND.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN. You may say. 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'
Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.
(WHO SAID MORTICIANS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)
YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!
= God Bless Scotland =
--------
Sexual & Course content
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport .
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into Coolangatta . I want to thank you
for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,
'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel,
take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the
huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her,
take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all
night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure
out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the
plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the
cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down
she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry,
dear.............
He's gotta land the plane and go to the toilet first.'
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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