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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 22.12.21 09:04l 278 Lines 7903 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: jokes 22/12
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Sent: 211222/0649Z 24225@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
It's Brass Monkey weather out there!
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Did You Know -
-The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a
Tomato can for a carburetor.
----
Palm Reading :-
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
---
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom
a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish
they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're
welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes
her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed
under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby
brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and
then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying
not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids
are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and
going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and
groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh,
oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got
my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with
her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there
in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the
bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her
little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-centre,
(placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,
when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in
case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
------
Who is your real best friend?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
--------
Wedding
-------
At my friends' wedding reception the groom stood to say a few words. He
Turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift" he began"a gift
That..."
Here he paused in thought whereupon his mother-in-law completed the
Sentence"That you can't return!"
---------
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed showered put on
her best perfume dimmed the lights put on a romantic CD and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"
His funeral will be held next Thursday
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Expectant Fathers' Waiting Room
-------------------------------
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in labour.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir,
You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You
sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for
the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one
down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the
nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in
the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to
quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another
coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work
for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had
just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after
some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able
to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and
over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7up... "I should have never taken
that job at 7up... "I should have never taken that job at 7up..."
---------
Points to Ponder
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
It could be a right number.
Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realise that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?
Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your Knickers".
Susie said: " I know they do that's why I hide them in my bag"!!
--
Bes Wishes
Dave
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