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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.12.21 09:19l 205 Lines 5624 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24194_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 21/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211221/0701Z 24194@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Great oaks from little acorns grow
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Did You Know -
-Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the
Same airplane just in case there is a crash
---
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the
fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to
purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl
full of jelly.
-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
=====
John was on his death bed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request,
dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I
thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to
poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man
pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.
What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on
the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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Paraprosdokian of the day
Ø A bus is a vehicle that goes faster when you are running after it as when you are in it.
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REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!!!!!!
A Miracle
---------
"Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people
Through on dry ground!"
"Sorry," said the biblical scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was
The Reed Sea and its water is only about one foot deep. No miracle was
Involved."
"Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow, man! What
A miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in one foot of water!"
Animals
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What's The Difference Between . .
. . Big embraces and lice?
The first are bear hugs, and the second are hair bugs
. . A counterfeit coin and a crazy rabbit?
One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
. . A unicorn and lettuce?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast.
. . A cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a comma is a pause at
The end of a clause.
. . An angry crowd and a cow with a sore throat?
One boos madly, and the other moos badly.
. . A coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie, and the other prowls on the hairy.
. . A high-class dog and one that never argues?
One has pedigrees, and the other pet agrees.
. A well-dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears a suit, and the dog just pants.
. . St. George and Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer?
One slays the dragon, and the other's draggin' the sleigh.
. . A tiger and a lion?
A tiger has the mane part missing.
. . A soaking wet day and a lion with a toothache?
One is pouring with rain, and the other is roaring with pain
. . A one-L lama, a two-L llama, and a three-L lllama?
The first is a Tibetan monk, the second is a South American animal,
And the third is a huge fire.
. . A butcher and a night owl?
One weighs a steak, and the other stays awake.
. . A fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish.
. . A dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail, and the other tags a whale.
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Points to Ponder
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
It could be a right number.
Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realise that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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