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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.12.21 09:34l 394 Lines 11014 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24166_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 20/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 211220/0714Z 24166@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
So it falls that all men are with fine weather happier far
-------
Did You Know -
-Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
---
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory....
I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together..
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good
partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many
men still sleep with their wives!
---
Translation -
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout our place
of residence, Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
burning caloric apparatus
Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation
from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folklore appellations is
the honorific title of St. Nicklaus .
-------
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mum was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up
Behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until much later that Dad
Finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the
Family dog, laying near Mum's feet on the kitchen floor.
The Three Little Pigs
---------------------
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter takes their
Drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
Table and asked if the three little piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why
Have you only ordered water all evening?"
The third piggy says....
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"
The Railroad Lawsuit
--------------------
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an
Old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through
Which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair
Value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of
The peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the
Railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle
Out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job and finally the rancher
Agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the cheque, the young
Lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
Rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on
You in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the
Fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that
Morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little
Worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home
This morning."
-----------------
Dictionary of tools :-
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
Metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
Flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
Painted airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
The workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
Hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch.."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
Until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
Motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
Dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
Hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting alight various
Flammable objects in your workshop. Also handy for igniting the
Grease inside the wheel hub from which you want remove the bearing race.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
Motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
After you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
Handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boots.
E-ZEE OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large crow-bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly
rounds off their heads.
CROW-BAR: (PRY-BAR) A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, nowadays the hammer
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic
parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
somehow eases the pains and indignities that follow our every
deficiency.
------
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year- olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own.
They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see
them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they
drive us to the store and have lots of cash for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves
and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also why we
shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like, "why isn't God married?" and "How come
dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with
us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with
us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 year old was asked where his Grandmother lived. Oh he said "She lives as the Airport, and when we want her
we just go get her then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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