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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 19.12.21 09:04l 172 Lines 6774 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24136_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 19/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<VK6HGR<LU4ECL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 211219/0652Z 24136@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If cows are standing in a field it will be fine, but if they are lying down it is going to rain.
----
Did You Know -
Â
-Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
Â
---
Worthy of Thought:-
Extract from my diary -
This time last year I Visited a Russian Lodge in Moscow where the WM - Bro Rudolph always correctly predicts the weather. The wife asked how? I replied, ‘Rudolph the red knows Rain dear ..â€Ö
--
Sibling Takes
-------------
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of
The children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
------------
A tourist visiting London walked into a pet shop and was looking at the
animals on display.
While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and
took out a monkey. He fitted it with a collar and leash, handed it to the officer
saying, "That'll be £500 please Sergeant".
The Sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a
very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a Qualified Breath Test
Operator, can write twenty tickets a week, can deploy Stinger at a moments
notice, knows all there is to know on traffic legislation and is authorised by
the Chief of Police in pursuit driving. Well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more
expensive! £1,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a Firearms Training monkey, it can instruct other monkeys in
Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit
Tactics and Investigative Techniques and even type. All the really useful stuff,"
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £2,000 "That
one must be even better? What does it do?"
"That one is a General Duties monkey. He is required to know everything about
anything, be there yesterday, duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow,
relay the same information to 20 different departments, write reports about
everything that the old monkeys can't see anymore, be in 5 different places at
once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by, and takes the blame for everything
all the other monkeys do wrong."
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a cage
of its own. The price tag around its neck read £5,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper,
"That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything at all yet,
but it says it's a Detective!"
Hours
-----
The darkest hour only has 60 minutes.
Racism
------
On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South
African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the
Cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly
Sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full
Today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have
Any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to
Mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she
Delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her
With a smug and self-satisfied grin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the
Cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one
Seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues...
"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have
Had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the
Circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should
Be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to
The lady, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for
You..."
At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a
Standing ovation while the black man was escorted up to the front of the
Plane.
------------
Be careful of what you wear ( or don`t wear ), when working
under your vehicle....especially in public. From Sydney Morning
Herald, Australia, comes this story of a west central couple whose
car broke down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry
on with the shopping while fixed the car on the lot.
His wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car ,
on closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private
parts into glaring public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment ,
she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into their
rightful place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches put in a wound
on his forehead.
--
An elderly Mason in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond away from the house but which was quite nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old Mason decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond. He made a polite cough to make the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end to cover their embarrassment.
One of the girls shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Quick as a flash the old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
Just goes to show that old masons are still quick thinkers!
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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