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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 29.06.21 07:25l 225 Lines 6363 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22060_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 29/6
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210629/0515Z 22060@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When the swallow's nest is low, you can safely reap and sow
-----
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
14/
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
------
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
---
When I was a young minister, a funeral director
asked me to hold a grave side service for a
homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral
was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This
was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be
laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being
a typical man, of course, I did not ask for
directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour
late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating
their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologised to the workers for being late. As I
looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid
already in place. I told the workers I would not
keep them long, but that this was the proper thing
to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered
around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart
and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with,
"Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into
the service that I preached and preached and
preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked
to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the
workers say, "I never saw anything like that before
and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
-----------
A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was
Lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he
Always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer.
Place this small ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and
I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side
Of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!"
He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the
Barber's' next move and with muffled voice asked, "but what happens if
I accidentally swallow the ball?"
The barber said, "Just bring it back the next day,. ..
that's what the last guy did."
-------------------
Dinosaur
--------
Some tourists in the Museum are marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of
Them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and six months
Old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their
Age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old
When I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!"
Helpless
--------
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central
Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was
Horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his
Side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were
Turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was
Paralysed.
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money
To buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man
On the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town
Specialist?"
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach
Into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that
When I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
Party
-----
This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.
"What the heck are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail" says the guy.
"But... You have a girl on your back" replies the host.
"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"
-------------
Sexual
A Tough Decision
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now,
you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the highway.
You're
going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something
happened.
I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was
chopped off in the
wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got 9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did... Better in fact! But the
thing is, it
doesn't
come cheap. It's 1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. The doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how
many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I
mean, if you had
a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she
might be a bit put
out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to
invest in a five
incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she
plays a role in
helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
day. 'So,
have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite work surfaces for the kitchen.'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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