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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 30.06.21 08:20l 307 Lines 9392 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22096_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 30/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<
KA1VSC<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210630/0610Z 22096@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Locusts sing when the air is hot and dry
-------
Thanks to Colin T – stupid Ads -
Picture a huge pile of unshelled peanuts:
1/
"THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS PEANUTS!"
---
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a
Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr Wong, what
will you and Mrs Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
--
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months. Things looked grim, but
she was by his bedside every single day. One day
as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned
for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair
close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be
able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with
tears, "you have been with me through all the bad
times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside
me. When my business went under, there you were. When
we lost the house, you were there. When I got
shot, you stuck with me. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
-----------
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and
I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give
you a
twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to
perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I
will give you
a life span of sixty years..'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years..
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For
the next ten
years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the
last ten
years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.. I'm doing
it as a public
service.
------
On vacation in Hawaii, my mother called a cafe to make reservations
For 7:00 PM.
Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have
Is 6:45 PM. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Mom replied.
"Okay," the hostess confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that
You may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
----------------
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
Called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that
Dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they
Had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing
That many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous
Post, so his new platoon should not be penalised for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey,
Dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
--------
A young man shopping in a supermarket
noticed a little old lady following him
around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him
and said, "I hope I >haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just
that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I
leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of
the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for
her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!
--------
Wedding
-------
At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He
Turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift
That..."
Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the
Sentence, "That you can't return!"
People
------
"In a recent poll, one in four people said they'd donate a kidney to a
Complete stranger. Yeah, sure... 909eople won't even let a stranger
Merge in traffic!"
--Jay Leno
---------------
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive Into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he finds a wee Leprechaun flat on
His back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his Scotch from the cart and
Poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see.
Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in
Relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I
Apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it
Was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for
Him. I'll give him the three things I would want-a great golf game,
All the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the
American golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive
Into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy
Says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact,
that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally
Famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're
All right."
Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game,
Ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win
Fortunes in golf." If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull
Out £100 notess I didn't even know were there!"
I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and
Says shyly, "It's OK."
C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to
Know if I did good job. How many times a day? "
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
"Once, sometimes twice a week."
What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"
Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish"
Sexual content
.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control
and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road
when a shinny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who
asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage
to die for…
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the
car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and Ill take you home so I can clean and bandage
that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me
doing that!
"Oh, come now, Im a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have
any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken
and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a
couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel
a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd
better go now.”
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse
exposing the most beautiful set of boobs Ive ever seen. "Stay for a
while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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