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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.06.21 08:29l 344 Lines 10627 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22020_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 28/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 210628/0618Z 22020@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When smoke descends, good weather ends
----------
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
14/
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
--
Quotes
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make
it better.
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
-- Lenny Bruce
--
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
--
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
--
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
----
My sister had been ill so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece
answered the phone 'Hello' she whispered. 'hi honey. How's your mother?'
I asked.
'She's sleeping' she answered again in a whisper. 'Did she go to the
doctor?' I asked.
'Yes. She got some medicine' my niece said softly. 'well don't wake her
up. Just tell
her I called. What are you doing by the way?' Again in a soft whisper
she answered
'Practising my trumpet.'
-----------------------------------
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office woman rolled an
elderly man in
a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk the
man sat there
alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with
him a little boy
slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing
his hand on
the man 'she said 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the
stroller too.'.
________________________________
As I was nursing my baby my cousin's six-year-old daughter Krissy came
into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed before she was intrigued and full
of all kinds of
questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers she
remarked 'My mom
has some of those but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
___________________________ _____
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter Carolyn I got
a little wistful.
'In ten years ' I said 'you'll want to be with your friends and you
won't go walking biking
and swimming with me like you do now.' Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years
you'll be too old
to do all those things anyway.'
________________________________
Working as a paediatric nurse I had the difficult assignment of giving
immunisation shots to
children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old
Lizzie her needle.
'Nonono!' she screamed. 'Lizzie' scolded her mother' that's not polite
behaviour.' With that
the girl yelled even louder 'No thank you! No thank you!
________________________________
My wife left the car unattended for only a minute but it was long enough
for our two-year-
old to climb in throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost. He
was fine but the car
wasn't and I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the
insurance company.
After a pause the adjuster asked 'Do you let him drive often?'
________________________________
One afternoon while I was visiting my library I noticed a group of
preschoolers gathered for
story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who
Swallowed a Fly.
After the librarian finished the first page she asked the children 'Do
you think she'll die?'
'Nope' a little girl in the back said. 'I saw this last night on Fear
Factor.'
------------------------------------
On a brutally humid day I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a
dad following three
small children from hole to hole. 'Who's winning?' I shouted. 'I am'
said one kid. 'Me' said
another. 'Nome' yelled the third. Sweat dripping down his face the dad
gasped' Their mother is.'
-----------------------------------
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting my grandson asked my son the
question. 'Dad
I know that babies come from mommies' tummies but how do they get there
in the first place?'
he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile my grandson
finally spoke up
in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up Dad. It's OK if you
don't know the answer.'
________________________________
Just before I was deployed to Iraq I sat my eight-year-old son down and
broke the news to
him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time' I told him. 'I'm going to
Iraq ' 'Why?' he asked.
'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
________________________________
Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum his mom was
unfazed. 'You may as well
give up on the crying' I heard her say as she led him to the store exit.
'You're stuck with me for
18 years.'
________________________________
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken
with cancer AIDS
and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife Joanne Woodward
stopped by to have
lunch with the kids. A counsellor at a nearby table suspecting the young
patients wouldn't know
that Newman was a famous movie star explained 'That's the man who made
this camp possible.
Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle? ' Blank
stares. 'well you've probably
seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up.
'How long was he missing?'
________________________________
Like all growing boys my teenage grandson Jermon was constantly hungry.
I went to my
refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around
a bit and moving the
milk and juice cartons I spotted a bowl of leftover chilli. 'Hey
Jermon' I called out excitedly.
He came running into the kitchen. 'Look! I found some chilli.' Struggling
to be polite he said
'If you're that surprised I'm not really sure I want it.'
________________________________
My last name is a mouthful so when my three-year-old niece learned to
spell it I was thrilled
until my cousin burst my bubble. 'You can spell Sczygelski any way you
like' he pointed out.
'Who's going to know if it's wrong?'
________________________________
For the first time my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my
office to have me, a
dental hygienist clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her
grand-mother. When they
came in I greeted them warmly seated Kelsey and as usual put on my
gloves goggles and
mask. About ten minutes into the procedure she got scared and cried 'I
want my mommy!
' I quickly pulled off my mask and said 'I am your mommy.' Without
hesitating my daughter
yelled back 'Then I want my granny!'
----------
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
-------------
Traffic Polis in Glesga
"If any of you are contemplating a visit to the Glasgow area (applies
all over) please bear in mind that the Scots language can be a trifle
ifficult to understand
The Glasgow, or more properly "Glesca", dialect is known to be extremely
concise,as so much can be said in so few words.
Consider for example, this exchange between a motorist and a Police
Officer who stopped him in the Possilpark area. Translation is provided
inside the brackets.
Police officer:
Yaw rite ? (are you feeling ill?)
Driver:
'maw rite. (No. I'm feeling exceptionally well, thank you)
Police officer:
Yeshoor? (are you entirely certain of that fact?)
Driver:
Aye. (yes)
Police officer:
Zisyoors? (are you the registered owner of this vehicle?)
Driver:
Zwitmine? (which vehicle are you referring to?)
Police officer:
Ris caur (The automobile in which you are presently seated)
Driver:
Sibrurn laws (Actually, it belongs to my sister's husband)
Police officer:
Wers heeren? (Can you tell me where he can be located ?)
Driver:
'Raboozers. (He is a guest of the local hostelry.)
Police officer:
Yebeen garglin'. (Have you partaken of any alcholic beverages, in the
recent past?)
Driver:
Jissa cupple. (I have consumed only one or two small cocktails, prior to
dinner.)
Police officer:
Yur stoatin'. (It is my considered opinion that you are considerably
under the influence of alcohol.)
Driver:
Naw'mno' (I beg to differ.)
Police officer:
Ye urstoatin'. (I believe that my initial observation is correct,and
that you are being somewhat deceitful.)
Driver:
Umnoe. (I swear that I am being entirely truthful.)
Police officer:
Geezyer licence. (Would you be kind enough to allow me to inspect your
drivers licence?.)
Driver:
'Vno goatwan. (I am not in possession of such a document.)
Police officer:
Geroot racaur (Kindly remove yourself from the automobile.)
Driver:
Whiffur? (By what legal right do you make this request?.)
Police officer:
'Mapolis. ( I am a member of the local police constabulary.)
Driver:
Ommygoad (I call upon the Supreme Being, to witness this moment of
extreme duress.)
Police officer:
Geroot Ren. (Will you now please extricate yourself from your position
behind the steering wheel.)
Driver:
Awrite, 'mcomin' (I am proceeding to do so with all possible speed.)
Police officer:
Blawris up. (Are you familiar with the breathalyser test?.)
Driver:
'Mgonny Besik. (I am not feeling too well and I believe that I am about
to be violently ill.)
Police officer:
Noanme Yurno. (Please exercise a great deal of caution as to the
direction your involuntary emission takes.)
Driver:
'Mawrite Noo (Having ridden my digestive tract of an accumulation of
nausea-inducing substances
I now feel better.)
Police officer:
GetniVan. (Please be kind enough to accept a short ride in the humble
vehicle provided for my use by the local police.)
Driver:
Wer Wegaun? (May I be so forward as to make an enquiry as to our
ultimate destination ?.)
Police officer:
Jail. (To my headquarters,where you will be incarcerated.)
Driver:
Ohmigoad, rawife'll murder me. (Once again I call upon the Supreme Being
to witness this unfortunate turn of events. Incidentally, I must inform
you that my spouse will take my life, by violent means.)
Police officer:
Getna Wagon. (May I offer you my assistance in climbing into the back of
my vehicle.)
Driver:
Aw, Never again. Ratsit furme. (I have now learned a valuable lesson, and
I hereby declare total abstinence from all alcoholic beverages hence forth.)"
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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