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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 27.06.21 09:00l 203 Lines 6635 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21972_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 27/6
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210627/0649Z 21972@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If wooly fleece deck the heavenly way, be sure no rain will mar the day.
-------
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
13/
p:Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Quotes
-----
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
---
Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My
hand,
though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed.
-- A. E. Housman
--
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
-- Oscar Wilde
---
"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
Charles Schulz
--
If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
explodes,
you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives
in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a large quantity of
tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the week in your
basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after which the
"professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more money than it
would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How difficult
can it be?"
Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other
people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for
far less money. This article can help you.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
---
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Defence
-------
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to
Explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations
Before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up
While I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defence
Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared
Victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do
You put up mainly? Chain-link?"
---------------
This was written by a black gentleman in Texas ..
When I was born I was BLACK When I grew up I was BLACK When I went
in the sun I stayed BLACK When I got cold I was BLACK When I was scared
I was BLACK When I was sick I was BLACK And when I die I still be BLACK.
NOW You 'white' folks....
When you're born you're PINK When you grow-up you're WHITE When you
go in the sun you get RED When you're cold you turn BLUE When you're
scared you're YELLOW When you get sick you're GREEN When you bruise
you turn PURPLE And when you die you look GREY.
So who y'all callin' COLOURED folks?
---------
Not The Best Reference
----------------------
At times managers are asked to provide references for former employees, by
Companies considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question "Was
This person a steady worker?"
Since the guy was a well known do-nothing, his manager entered "Not just
Steady, but motionless" in the space provided.
Armour
------
In the olden days Prague, a then modern and enlightened city in the midst
Of barbarian Teutonic types, was a target for any petty warlord who could
Raise an army.
One of the most serious attacks was mounted in 1330 when several German
Princes put the city under siege. The King of Prague used diplomacy,
Strategy, and the city's stout walls to keep the enemy at bay, but still
The siege held and the situation was getting desperate.
Finally, the King decided to fall back on the time-honoured tradition of
Trial by individual combat, and challenged the highest-ranking German
Prince to a joust. The German Prince was noted for his fighting ability,
While the King had distinguished himself primarily by humanistic studies,
So this seemed a terrible mismatch, and one that would lead to the fall of
Prague.
But the King had a secret weapon, or rather, defence; his studies had led
To the development of a new sort of Armour. He was sure that his discovery
Would give him more protection and more flexibility, so that he would be
Able to overcome his opponent, who would be encumbered by rigid, plated
Armour.
The great day arrived and both heroes rode out for the joust. The people of
Prague watched from their city's walls, with the Queen in the midst of
Them. There was great trepidation, of course, and it was added to by the
Fact that both men were of about the same height, and both rode black
Horses.
In the dust raised by the battle, one figure could be seen moving swiftly
And surely, while the other seemed to lumber about, always a second too
Late, or an inch too short. The dust obscured the heroes' colours, but the
Queen raised a shout as the slower figure fell with a great clattering of
His plated Armour.
"But how do you know we've won?" asked the anxious town folk.
"I've told you and told you!" said the Queen. "The Czech is in the mail!"
----------
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-Decker bus for a weekend
Trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
The Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
Having a great time, when one of them realized she
Hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
Decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
Clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
And whispered..
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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