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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.06.21 07:47l 252 Lines 8575 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21761_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 23/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 210623/0543Z 21761@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If you want a place in the sun you must leave the shade of the family tree
-------
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
9/
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
----
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.
---
In 1914 the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The creator
received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
----
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink it isn't a horse.
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cynic n.:
One who looks through rose-coloured glasses with a jaundiced eye.
---------
The following is seen in a Florida newspaper:
Ever had a day like this?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and
his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man
was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow the motorcycle
slipped into gear. The man still holding the handlebars was dragged
through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto
the floor inside the house.
The wife hearing the crash ran into the dining
room and found her husband laying on the floor cut
and bleeding the motorcycle laying next to him and
the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill the wife
went down the several flights of long steps to the
street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After
the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to
the hospital the wife uprights the motorcycle and
pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor the wife
obtained some papers towels blotted up the
gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was
released to come home. After arriving home he looked
at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his
motorcycle. He became despondent went into the
bathroom sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After
finishing the cigarette he flipped it between his
legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife who was in the kitchen heard a loud explosion
and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and
found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had
been blown away and he was suffering burns on the
buttocks the back of his legs and his groin. The wife
again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife
met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the
husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street. While they were going down the stairs to
the street accompanied by the wife one of the paramedics
asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She
told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard one
of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband
out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.
------
A woman goes into a fishing shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes
Over to the counter. The salesman is standing there wearing dark glasses.
She says "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says"Madam I'm completely blind but if you'll drop it on the counter
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says"That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 Reel
And 5-kg test line. It's a good all round combination and it's on sale
this week for £44."
She says"It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!"As she opens her purse her credit card drops on the floor.
"oh that sounds like a Visa card" he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card she accidentally passes wind.
At first she is really
embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could
tell it was she who had
farted.
The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me it
was on sale for £44 how
did you get to £58.50?"
"Well - the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is another £3.50."
------------
Cannon Balls
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon
on old war ships. But
how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The
best storage method
devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid with one ball on top
resting on four
resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus a supply of 30 cannon
balls could be stacked in
a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under
the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations
called a Monkey. But if this
plate were made of iron the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The
solution to the rusting problem
was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realise that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled.
Consequently when the temperature dropped too far the brass indentations
would shrink so much
that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus it was
quite literally cold enough
to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
And all this time you thought that was a vulgar expression didn't you?
You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a
few unsuspecting friends.
Pruned Mess
-----------
TACOMA Wash.A man who led police on wild high speed chase through
Tacoma Wash.then hid in a hot tub for 90 minutes was a "pruned mess"
When police finally found him. The incident began around 11:30 Wednesday
Night when suburban Lakewood police began pursuing a truck that had been
Stolen the night before the Tacoma (Wash.) News reported Friday. Police
Pursued the suspect at speeds ranging from 50 mph to 85 mph through Tacoma
And its suburbs. One cruiser crashed during the chase and the suspect
Finally crashed the truck into a tree and fled on foot authorities said.
The officer was not injured. As a helicopter and police tracking dogs
Searched for the suspect a man noticed activity in his hot tub and dialled
911 the News said. Police found the naked fugitive hiding inside the tub
Sick and wrinkled after an hour and a half in the 104-degree water.
Sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer said it was some time before they could
Fingerprint the suspect at the Pierce County Jail. "They had to wait for
His fingers to un prune" Troyer said. "He was just a pruned mess."
RaPUNzel
--------
Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:
IRaPUNze l have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you written by the
Brothers TRIMM.
When I was a young CURL a jealous queen LOCKed me in a tower.
I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel in THESE TRESSES!
The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but day after day knight
after knight would try to climb the tower which was so tall the FOLLICLE
You!
They would climb my BRAID and if they weren't so handsome I would give
Them the BRUSH off.
I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being such a big TEASE.
One day a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried to rescue me.
He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.
I said"COMB and SHAVE me!"
The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.
And let me tell you Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!
She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE with.
Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had twins.
But we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too many
CONDITIONERS on our marriage which were really CRIMPING my STYLE.
So we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.
It came down to SPLITTING HEIRS so he took one twin and I took the other.
So now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a LATHER RINSE
REPEAT.
And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from BLONDE to brown
and this new colour is to DYE for.
After all BRUNETTES have more pun.
Well that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.
I bid you all ADO!
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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