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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 22.06.21 08:22l 205 Lines 5312 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21714_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 22/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 210622/0616Z 21714@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If fleecy white clouds cover the heavenly way no rain should mar your
plans that day
-----------
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
8/
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
---
Just heard they are going to clap for Dame Vera Lynne yearly.
Don't know where, don't know when.
**
Quotes -
"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of sheer
terror."
-- W. K. Hartmann
---
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the
smallest amount of thoughts."
-- Winston Churchill
---
A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing
on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup
"What's the situation" says the operator
"A big fat darkie is dancing on a Ford car roof"
You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator.
"You have to use the politically correct terminology"
“OK" he says:
"Zulu...Tango....Sierra
---------
Deliciously Politically Incorrect...
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by
Mistake... Both are in intensive care... One has a dodgy tikka and the
other one is in a korma.
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a
falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said... 'We didn't even know they
Were living up there'.
Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough
Television shows
With minorities in mind so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
----------
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY as well as the
Idiosyncrasies of English:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA - TWO TEQUILA - THREE TEQUILA - FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANISATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10 . IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONISED SWIMMER DROWNS DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL AND SUCCEED WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HAEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ARSEEROIDS'?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME
DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionally
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks I'm married.
2. Nope no more booze for me!
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you but I won't make any attempt to dance I have no coordination.
I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or
on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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