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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.04.21 08:25l 612 Lines 19370 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 18451_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 20/4
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Sent: 210420/0617Z 18451@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
April showers bring May flowers
--------
SEEN PRINTED ON TEE-SHIRTS
If I say I will do it I WILL DO IT!
No need to REMIND me Every 6 months
------------
Thought for the day
Not to brag, but I havenâ€Öt been late for anything in over 2 weeks!
~~~~~
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice.
--------------------
John was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilise
the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went
into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached
them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to
the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but
this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters
coming would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it didn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew
County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges not only awarded old Butch the 'No Bell Piece Prize' but
they also awarded him the 'Pullet Surprise' as well.
(Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.)
Vote carefully at the election, the bells are not always audible.
------
Iâ€Öve heard some odd things before now but never like this. Most of
them would be completely unbelievable except for the fact that its the
USA. Hope you enjoy them
.AWARDS (2016))
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with
these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's
in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took
the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was
driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and
verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you
scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for 2016:
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury
of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own
son.
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel
of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house
he had just burglarised by way of the garage. Unfortunately for
Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could
not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house
because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson
pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive
on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000
for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one.
* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the
Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after
being bitten on the butt by his next door Neighbour's beagle -
even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced
yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the
time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the
fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet
gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on
a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.
The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown
it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...
*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying
to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000...oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses.
Go figure.
OK, HERE WE GO
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to
the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a
sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed
and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave
the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury
awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass
this one on.
-----
Angry Preacher
--------------
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and
he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they
don't change their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"
Why I've Never Had A Caddy
--------------------------
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
1950's
------
I recently picked up a book called "The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt
Kid" which is roughly an autobiography of the author, Bill Bryson, but is
more specifically a look at what life was like growing up in the midwest in
the 1950s. Following is an excerpt...
Most things that were supposed to be fun turned out not to be fun at all.
Model making, for instance. Making models was reputed to be hugely
enjoyable but it was really just a mysterious ordeal that you had to go
through from time to time as part of the boyhood process. The model kits
looked fun. The illustrations on the boxes portrayed beautifully detailed
fighter planes belching red-and- yellow flames from their wing guns and
engaged in lively dogfights. In the background there was always a stricken
Messerschmidt spiralling to earth. You couldn't wait to re-create such
lively scenes in three dimensions.
But when you got the kit home and opened the box the contents turned out to
be of a uniform leaden gray or olive green, consisting of perhaps sixty
thousand tiny parts, some no larger than a proton, all attached in some
organic, inseparable way to plastic stalks like swizzle sticks. The tubes
of glue by contrast were the size of large pastry tubes. No matter how
gently you depressed them they would blurp out a pint or so of a clear
viscous goo whose one instinct was to attach it- self to some foreign
object--a human finger; the living room drapes, the fur of a passing
animal-- and become an infinitely long string.
Any attempt to break the string resulted in the creation of more strings.
Within moments you would be attached to hundreds of sagging strands, all
connected to something that had nothing to do with model airplanes or World
War II. The only thing the glue wouldn't stick to, interestingly, was a
piece of plastic model; then it just became a slippery lubricant that
allowed any two pieces of model to glide endlessly over each other; never
drying. The upshot was that after about forty minutes of intensive but
troubled endeavour you and your immediate surroundings were covered in a
glistening spider web of glue at the heart of which was a gray fuselage
with one wing on upside down and a pilot accidentally but irremediable
attached by his flying cap to the cockpit ceiling. Happily by this point
you were so high on the glue that you didn't give a shoot about the pilot,
the model, or anything else.
==============
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER
DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE
TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.
! 4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR
A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT
TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
---------------
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three
more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your
pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de
odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank
togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ...
ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they
are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the
other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to
laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit
drinking!"
.............................
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
into the limo, (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver
notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse
me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please
take your seat so we can leave? 'Well, to tell you the
truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive when I
was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm
sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose
my job! What if something should happen?' protests the
driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs
in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision
because, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it,
accelerating the limo to 205 kph. 'Please slow down, Your
Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps
the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back
to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to
the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the
radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going
205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want
to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief
exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,'
said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked,
'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief:
'A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think
it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What
makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'The Pope is His chauffeur!'
-------------
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man
who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,
every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
turned to leave, using a cane and moving
very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and
to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the
people
ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."
-------
Sexual
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
"drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to
enjoy the sunshine.?
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said
"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,"
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"?
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"?
She replied,
"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."
----------
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror
her husband pulled into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'.
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes
tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with
some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.........just when it's raining!â€Ö
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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