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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 19.04.21 08:10l 363 Lines 9355 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 18414_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 19/4
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 210419/0601Z 18414@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Dew on the grass, rain won't come to pass
------
SEEN PRINTED ON TEE-SHIRTS
When I was a KID, I wanted to be older -
This CRAP is not what I expected.
---
Thought for the day
I feel like Iâ€Öm 16 again …
Gas is cheap and Iâ€Öm grounded!
---
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are
lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you
love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you
and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love
me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish
or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he
wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom an d I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of
my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and
you will call him
DOG." (GOD SPELLED BACKWARD)
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them
and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord
and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are
worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they
are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be
with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will
remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are
not always worthy of adoration."
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed
into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the
supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.
--------
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their
squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded
that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and
let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and,
unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels
showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of
God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free
near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the
Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptised
all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see
them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel
and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
------
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
Foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
At his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man - and immediately began to apologise.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
Relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
Replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
Hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
Pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
Massage for several long moments and asked : "How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
------------
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked
His weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was
Breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
Both breasts for a while in a very professional and
Detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said,
"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
--------------
Sexual nature -
Bill woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to
recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Samantha" he moaned, "tell me what happened last night.
Was it as bad as I think?
Even worse, she said, her voice oozing scorn.
You made a complete arse of yourself. You succeeded in
antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted
the Chairman of the company, right to his face.
He's an arsehole, Bill said, I could piss on him. "you did,"
came the reply, �And he fired you
"Well, screw him then" said Bill.
"I did" said Samantha, You're back at work on Monday. I'm not
having you hanging around the house all day
--------
A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of
the Board of Trustees of Beit Tikkun Synagogue (and frequently
published author in the pages of Tikkun) has brought the following
question to our community, and hopes that its best Talmudic
scholars might think more about it:
Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat? (the Sabbath)
One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on
Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the
Sabbath.
But another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds pleasure to the
Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it
is banned during Pesach (Passover) - along with all other agents
causing things to rise.
And what Broucha (blessing) does one say before taking the Viagra pill?
There is a choice of three blessings:
1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - bless you God for straightening
those who are bent;
2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - bless you God for raising
the dead.
--------
These are genuine clips from letters sent to the
Council Housing Department...............
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my
Back passage has fungus growing on it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
House and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has
Backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle
Very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging
His balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from
The outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that
Blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden
Path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
Pregnant.
10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the
Kitchen.
11. 50àof the walls are damp, 50àhave crumbling
Plaster and 50*re just plain filthy.
12. I am still having problems with smoke in my
Drawers.
13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the
Children until it is cleared.
14. Will you please send a man to look at my water,
It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in
Three pieces.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back
Garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children
And would like a third so please send someone round to do something
About it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat
And would you please do something about the noise
Made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish
The job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor
Six times but still I have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is
Broke and we can't get BBC2.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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