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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.04.21 08:34l 551 Lines 12247 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 18478_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 21/4
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<GB7CIP<N7HPX<W9GM<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210421/0626Z 18478@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Spring makes everything young except man
----
SEEN PRINTED ON TEE-SHIRTS
Of course size matters
No one wants a
Small glass of wine
----
Pam Ayers poem
This needs to be read - so true and funny.
I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.
You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.
They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.
We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60's -
If you only knew the truth!
There was sex and drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.
Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then Nana,
Who on earth did we become?
We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!
So here you find me stuck inside
For 4 weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!
It didn't really bother me
I'd while away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no flaming flour!
Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.
At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey, even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!
So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this awful virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.
We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!
----
My personal take on ageing !
#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop peeing me off.
#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that
needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it."
#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.
#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer
for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.
#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why
I'm there.
#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it
feels like a mini vacation.
#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.
#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.
#15 - Ageing sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.
#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.
And remember.... Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
(If I've sent this before reread # 5 )
---------
THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without
forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill
, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you
' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Liberal Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied,
'I can not accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
---
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!
-
---------
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 995awyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7*ll statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we
met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favourite -
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?
-------
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day
with my trusty HT by my side, and all the patients
were shouting,'13....13...13'... Could it be that
they were trying to get me on CB channel 13?
The fence was too high to see over, but being the
typical curious ham, I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.
Some nut case poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
-------
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter
Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting
the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and
was hit.
The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the
Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of
the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
and killed it. There may not be an Easter for the children because of me.
What should I do? "
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.
She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over
to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto
the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up
the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped
on down the road.
Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and
hopped on down the road. Then in another 50 yards, he turned, waved
hopped and did it again in another 50 yards!
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what could possibly be in
that woman's spray can.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What
was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
If you enjoyed this joke share it with a friend!
"The Times Are Changin"
-----------------------
(Sung to Bob Dylan's Song)
Come gather round people wherever you roam
And accept that the networks around you have grown
And admit that software piracy you don't condone
If your data to you is worth saving
Then you better make backups
On your Macs or PC clones
For the times they are a changin
Come students and staffers who double-click with your mice
And keep your eyes open - your screen savers look so nice
And don't blame network downtime on poltergeists
The new copy of WORD just delivered
Takes 2 dozen diskettes and needs 40 megabytes
Cos' the times they are a changin
Come faculty and administrators, please read your e-mail
It's been there for months now and it's getting stale
Our attempts to get more disk space from ADP have failed
The battle on campus is ragin
Whether we will use windows or Macs will prevail
Yup the times they are a changin
Come users and sysadmins all over the LAN
Your bandwidth requirements we don't understand
Your digital desktops and cryptic commands
Your multimedia stations
Were not in the budget of our five year plan
But the times they are a changin
With Ethernet, Token Ring and FDDI
We've got the best network that money can buy
With Internet access and registration on-line
But yesterday when he was cleaning
The janitor unplugged the power and all systems died
Oh the times they are a changin
Computer Spouses
----------------
Email Spouse
Of every ten things they say, nine are nonsense.
Hard Disk Spouse
Remembers everything. FOREVER.
Multimedia Spouse
Make horrible things look beautiful.
RAM Spouse
Forgets about you the moment you turn them off.
Screensaver Spouse
Good for nothing, but lots of fun!
Server Spouse
Always busy when you need them.
Windows Spouse
Everyone knows that they can't do a thing right, but no one can live
without them.
sexual
------
Cricket
A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help
you ?”
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened ?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man
jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear
then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him ?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and
he had
these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on
each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said
the Sergeant.
"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer"
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from
his accent ?"
"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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