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GI4RSI > BARNEY 03.03.04 17:28l 83 Lines 5315 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: Useful tips to keep your husband............................
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Sent: 040303/1622Z @:GB7FCR.#16.GBR.EU #:46311 [Blackpool] FBB-7.03a $:46311-GB
From: GI4RSI@GB7FCR.#16.GBR.EU
To : BARNEY@WW
SOME USEFUL TIPS ON PRESERVING YOUR HUSBAND!
Hello there! How are ye all doin'?
I wonder did anyone heed the warnings I gave them about the dangers of Valentine's Day cards and the trouble they can get you into?
There was a poem written by a girl urging other girls:
"Let us then be up and doing,
With a heart on triumph set,
Still contriving, still pursuing,
And each girl a husband get. "
Well since then, some reader has sent me some advice to girls who are successful in the hunt for a husband and it says: `Some tips how to preserve a husband'.
Be careful in the selection; do not choose one too old.
Best results are obtained, if he has been reared in a healthy atmosphere.
Some insist in keeping him in hot water. Such treatment, however, makes the husband sour, hard and sometimes bitter.
Many housewives have found that even poor vanities can be rendered tender and good by a garnish of patience, the softening of a smile, and the flavouring of a kiss to taste.
Wrap him in a mantle of charity, place him over a warm steady life of domestic devotion and serve with peaches and cream.
When thus prepared a husband should keep for years. The peaches, however, should be domestic and not fresh in other fields.
Husbands, like peaches, will not keep unless
preserved. First select him carefully, not too green or over ripe, not prone to develop in other gardens. Husbands grow in the tropics of pleasure look rather limp, even insipid at times, but can be encouraged to sprout.
Select your husband, if possible, from a family tree growing on the sunny side, you will be sure he is sound at heart.
Having selected your husband, make a cheery life of love: your preserving pan (the home) must be clean and spotless. Give him plenty of sweetness - vinegar is never used at all. Do not keep stirring him up, it will spoil his nature and looks.
With careful attention, he will last tender and kind for ages. But you must try to be careful to treat him as gently as you'd like him to treat you!
I'm sure some cynics would say that's a lot of oul cod's wallop, but if you take it seriously, I'm sure you'll have a happy life together.
While I'm in a poetic mood and looking for poems, I ask you what some readers have asked me, for the words of two old poems.
One is "The Bachelor's Auction" - now that's not the "auction in Killybuck."
Another is "Murphy's at Home". I think it started something like this:
"Mrs. Pat Murphy, I'll have you know
Was the life and the soul of sweet Ballymelloe,
For her evenings are always chic,
As both local papers reported one week.
She posted invitations to all the elite
Of Ballymelloe s one and only main street,
But sorrow the one of them could understand,
The meaning of RSVP at the end,
Or why Mrs. Murphy should be at home now,
Seeing she'd never been out of sweet Ballymelloe!
I wonder did anyone ever hear that before?
If so please let me know, so that I can pass it on.
A cleric once told me that if you have a dead secret that you would want spread all over the parish, there's usually some kind woman who would oblige you, so here's a recipe in rhyme.
"Your secret will be quite safe with me dear -
Though I've told one or two (in deep confidence) here.
Like Arthur and Bertie, Charlie and Don,
Edwina, Fiona and Georgina (the Hon).
Oh, and "Icky" and "Jinks", "Kim" and "Lassie",
Michael, Nicolas, Ollie and Patsy,
Quentin, Rambo, Sambo and Tojo,
Vicky, Wendy and oh - Zoe.
Never fear, dear, my lips are sealed to the end,
Your secret is quite safe with me - and my friend."
Talk about ripples in a pond!
I've often been asked to speak to old folks - and I find that most of them are far younger than I am, and very slow on the uptake, but I met some retired nurses some time ago and one of them gave me the following to show what some senior citizens are really worth.
"Did you know that we old folks are worth a fortune? We have silver in our hair, gold in our teeth, stones in our kidneys, lead in our feet and gas in our stomach.
"I have become older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life.
Frankly I've become a frivolous old woman. I'm seeing five gentlemen every day.
"As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me out of bed, then I got to see Jimmy Riddle and then it's time for breakfast with Mr. Kellogg, followed closely with the refreshing company of Mr. Tetley.
"Then comes someone I don't like at all, Arthur Itis. He knows he is not welcome, but he insists on being here, and sometimes he stays all day.
Even then, he does not stay in the one place, but moves about from joint to joint.
After such a hectic day I'm glad to get to bed with Johnnie Walker.
"My clergyman called the other day and told me I should be thinking of the hereafter, at my age. I just told him that I did just that every day, and often at night, for no matter where I go in the house I ask myself "Now, what am I in here after?"
Well, I will close now and I hope that Will Power is your constant companion - but a word of warning, look out for that crafty fellow, Gerry Attic, if he gets a hold of you, you'll not have a bit of peace.
So long now and the best of luck,
- by Barney McCool
73 - Kenny, GI4RSI @ GI4RSI
Message timed: 16:21 on 2004-Mar-03
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