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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 08.02.04 13:12l 152 Lines 4434 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: Engineers/Meanings/Aging
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To : HUMOUR@WW
Understanding Engineers
-----------------------
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because
the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both"
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."
Alternate Meanings
------------------
The Washington Post annually publishes a contest for readers in which they
are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were
some of the winning entries in this year's contest:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes
up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Old Age
-------
One way to survive increasing age is to laugh at it...Here are a few
examples:
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was
about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live
with you and your wife...."
-
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
-
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
-
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
-
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
-
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
-
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
-
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
-
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.
-
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
-
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they
don't recognize you.
-
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at
when you are old.
-
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up
your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.
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