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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 29.01.04 19:57l 93 Lines 4256 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2714-ZL3AI
Read: DH0GHU GUEST DL4NWM
Subj: Love/Retirement/Panic
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RGB<OK0PPL<DB0RES<ON0AR<ZL2BAU<ZL2BAU<ZL3VML
Sent: 040129/1002Z @:ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC #:17776 [Chch-NZ] FBB7.00i $:2714-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
Love
----
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really
missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return,"
she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that
concerned about me?"
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know
where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Next step in retirement.....
----------------------------
No nursing home for me. I am checking into the Holiday Inn! With the
average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a
better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on
reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount
and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day
for: breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want or room
service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a
swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have
free toothpaste and razors and all have free shampoo and soap.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day
will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city bus
stop out front, and seniors ride free. To meet other nice people, call
a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport
shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're
at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take
your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you
can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Hawaii? They have
a Holiday Inn there too.
T.V. broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No
problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The
Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks
to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an
ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip
and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to
find you and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The
grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward
all of my email to: me @ Holiday.Inn
A New System Will Allow Investors to Panic in an Orderly Fashion
----------------------------------------------------------------
Ridge says The Department of Homeland Security will issue a series of
color-coded stock market alerts in order to advise investors as to the
appropriate level of anxiety, depression, and suicidal feelings they should
be experiencing during the ongoing market crash, Secretary Tom Ridge
announced today. By issuing these stock market alerts, we believe that we
can help Americas investors panic, lose sleep, or kill themselves in an
orderly fashion, Mr. Ridge said. The color-coded system, unveiled in a
White House ceremony this afternoon, is as follows:
Green:
Only two new criminal investigations launched against major corporations
today, with the Dow expected to drop no more than three hundred points;
investors are urged to act irritably, yell at spouses.
Blue:
President Bush will make major economic speech today; investors are advised
to convert their 401(k) plans to gold coins and foodstuffs.
Yellow:
Martha Stewart has barricaded herself inside Westport home, is holding off
SEC investigators with a Cuisinart blade; investors urged to drain their
bank accounts and keep the proceeds in underwear, bra, or body cavities.
Orange:
Alan Greenspan has been seen drinking malt liquor directly from a quart
bottle on the steps of the Federal Reserve; investors should immediately
organize yard sales and car washes, or start lap dancing for nickels.
Red:
Vice-President Cheney has reportedly changed his name, undergone plastic
surgery, and left the country in a single-engine plane with $80 billion in
small bills; investors are encouraged to throw themselves in front of a
speeding bus.
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