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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 20.01.04 15:03l 169 Lines 5389 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: StarWars/Workplace/Ageing
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Sent: 040120/1230Z @:ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC #:17189 [Chch-NZ] FBB7.00i $:2658-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
Star Wars
---------
Ben Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are having dinner at a Japanese restaurant.
Ben picks up the chopsticks and starts eating. Luke is having problems,
there is food all over his face, his cloths, and the table, but none in his
mouth.
"What should I do?" he asks Ben.
"Use the forks, Luke!"
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace
--------------------------------------------------------
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
e.g. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be: "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries
with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the
fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you
can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat
your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99
copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking
to others.
When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers
running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your
boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears
and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the
entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
Dont use any punctuation either
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin.
When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your car in the parking lot at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in
a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles"
Getting Old
-----------
There was a time in history when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand "Living in the Past."
We used to go to weddings, football games and brunches.
Now we go to funeral homes, and after funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches to while the night away.
We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and eat our pills.
We used to travel to places near and far.
Now we get sore butts from riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping for all new clothes to show.
Now we never bother, there is no place to go.
We used to go to taverns and drink a little booze.
Now we stay at home alone and watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how it is, And so my tale is told.
If you haven't guessed it, we are just getting old.
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