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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 20.01.04 13:22l 116 Lines 3162 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
English
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Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail and the more common use
of the written language, it is time for an English lesson.
So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when
using the Queen's Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however
should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering
ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you
know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Bifocals
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I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a
pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his
vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so
well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through
them.
He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing
problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he
said. "You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it
makes me sick."
Lord Frederick North
--------------------
ARISTOCRAT: Who is that ugly woman who just came in?
LORD NORTH: Oh, that is my wife.
ARISTOCRAT: Sir, I beg your pardon. I do not mean her. I mean that shocking
monster who is along with her.
LORD NORTH: That is my daughter.
--Lord Frederick North (1732-1792) British PM (1770-82) Conversation.
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