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ZL3AI > HUMOUR 02.01.04 14:02l 114 Lines 4481 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2598-ZL3AI
Read: DH0GHU GUEST DL4NWM
Subj: Resolutions/Insults/Sign
Path: DB0FHN<DB0THA<DB0ERF<DB0FBB<DB0GOS<ON0AR<ON0AR<ZL2BAU<ZL2BAU<ZL3VML
Sent: 040102/1053Z @:ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC #:15974 [Chch-NZ] FBB7.00i $:2598-ZL3AI
From: ZL3AI@ZL3VML.#80.NZL.OC
To : HUMOUR@WW
This year, I resolve to...
--------------------------
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Not have eight children at once.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Start being superstitious.
Personal goal: bring back disco.
Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
Buy an '83 El Dorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
Not eat cloned meat.
Create loose ends.
Get more toys.
Get further in debt.
Not believe politicians.
Break at least one traffic law.
Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
Stay off the ISS space station.
Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Mope about my faults.
Never make New Year's resolutions again!!
Insults
-------
To construct a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from each of the
three columns below, and preface it with "Thou":
COLUMN 1 COLUMN 2 COLUMN 3
artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clack-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted death-token
fawning earth-vexing dewberry
fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
impertinent fool-born gudgeon
infectious full-gorged haggard
jarring guts-griping harpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
mangled hell-hated joithead
mewling idle-headed lewdster
paunchy ill-breeding lout
pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
puking knotty-pated malt-worm
puny milk-livered mammet
qualling motley-minded measle
rank onion-eyed minnow
reeky plume-plucked miscreant
roguish pottle-deep moldwarp
ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook
spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
spongy rude-growing pignut
surly rump-fed puttock
tottering shard-borne pumpion
unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
vain spur-galled scut
venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
villainous tardy-gaited strumpet
warped tickle-brained varlet
wayward toad-spotted vassal
weedy unchin-snouted whey-face
yeasty weather-bitten wagtail
Sign
----
There was a man, his name was Lang,
And he had a neon sign,
Now Mr. Lang was very old,
So they called it old Lang's sign.
- Alan Sherman
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