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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 30.12.21 08:49l 277 Lines 11061 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24550_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 30/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<GB7CIP<EI2GYB<N5MDT<GB7YEW
Sent: 211230/0638Z 24550@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
Grandma used to say - nothing
How Right this is (almost Masonic) ! ---
------
Did You Know -
-You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
----
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for
lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge
because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at the age of 50 once again the friends discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were
attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was
excellent.
Ten years later, at the age of 60 the friends again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value
for money.
Ten years later, at the age of 70, the friends discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at the age of 80, the friends discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
---
“You're emitting positive energy when you:
See the positive qualities in other people. Positive energy
values other positive qualities.
Feel compassion towards yourself and the world (we're all
doing the best we can!)
Listen to – and try to understand – other perspectives,
regardless of how different. Positive energy is open minded.
Give the benefit of the doubt. Positive people don't judge quickly.
You're not emitting positive energy when you:
Ignore your dark side and weaknesses (and then act them out).
Negative energy isn't honest.
Focus on other people's mistakes and weaknesses. Negative
energy is critical.
Allow fear and cynicism to harden your heart and colour your
perspective. Negative energy revolves around fear and bitterness.
- How Positive Energy Can Change Your Life,
"Our attitudes (and consequently our words and actions) are
formed not by what the other person said or did, but rather by
our interpretation of what the other person said or did. Therefore,
whenever possible, to find or devise a favourable interpretation.
"In practice it looks like this:
Instead of faulting a friend for not calling you back when she said
she would, you could think: "She may have tried to call me back,
but my line was busy," or "She may have received an important
call just when she was about to dial my number.
Instead of faulting your spouse for being late (again!), you could
think: "I'm not time-challenged like s/he is, but how much have I
really changed my own ingrained bad habits?
Instead of faulting a repairman for not coming when he said he
would (leaving you sitting at home all afternoon waiting), you could
think: "His previous client may have had a more complicated job
than expected," or "When he went to phone me that he'd be late,
he couldn't find my number or his cell phone battery was low.
"Judging others favourably does not preclude self-protective actions
or positive steps to redress wrongs. Judging others favourably doesn't
mean to leave your £300 iPod on your desk when you go to the rest
room. It does mean that if you don't find your iPod where you're sure
you left it, check every drawer and pocket before you start suspecting
your fellow workers. Often we are sure -- and wrong!
"Judging others favourably does not mean that when your child comes
home in tears because her teacher yelled at and insulted her, you should
refrain from taking measures to handle the situation. It does mean that
before angrily calling the principal and demanding that the teacher be
fired, you entertain the possibility that you haven't heard the full
story and that, even if the teacher did act wrongly, extenuating
circumstances may have caused a usually fair teacher to act out of
character ." - Other People's Shoes,--------
Women Power
-----------
At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was
how to Empower women in the home.
The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and
said; "I Decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so
I told him That I would no longer be doing the washing, After the first
day I saw no Result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the
third day he did His own washing."
The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.
The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said; "I told my
Husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form
of Enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the second
day I Saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the
both of Us."
Again the conference applauded.
Next came the Australian delegate. She said; "I told my husband that I
Would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw
nothing, After the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I
could see a Little bit out of my left eye."
Cookies
-------
I was giving my kids a few cookies, and as usual, my 7 year-old daughter
Scoffed hers really fast. My 9 year-old daughter is slow and still had a
Couple left. My 4 year-old son was eating his in another room.
"Can I have some more?" asked the 7-year-old.
"Nope," I said. "You should slow down and enjoy them."
"I do enjoy them," she said. "That's why I eat them so fast."
I smiled and patted her on the head. She always surprises me with her
Ability to express herself.
"I wish I was her," she said pointing to my other daughter... "well, I
Don't really want to be her. I just want her cookies."
I gave a hearty laugh and turned to their mother. "I just know she's
going To be a politician."
-------------
Mild sexual content -
The Wongs
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a
Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
----------------
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New
York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a
Very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she
took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to
The annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
Ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting
For Nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
Business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my
experience to debunk some of the popular myths about Sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
Men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another
popular myth is That French men are the best lovers, when actually it
is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best
potential lovers in all Categories are the Irish." Suddenly the
woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I
really shouldn't be discussing this With you, I don't even know your
name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends
call me Paddy."
--------------------
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain
and check that it has gone. Don't waste money buying expensive
binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate Bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the
first place . Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in
your home by Filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then Urinating into it, before jumping in. Don't buy expensive
'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of
frozen peas inside it before you put it on. Anorexics. When your knees
become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag From the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
Veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
the difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that
since you'd no doubt be Made aware of their special dietary
requirements, tell them about yours, And ask for a nice steak. High
blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
Thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Heavy smokers. Don't throw
away those filters from the end of your Cigarettes. Save them up and
within a few years you'll have enough to Insulate your roof. Corsa
drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
Starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so
it May as well look like one. A mouse trap placed on top on of your
alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair. At supermarket checkouts a
Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic
shoppers. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important
first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
Fishes''s eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
Wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley
and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day.
They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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