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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 29.12.21 09:34l 276 Lines 7914 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24503_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 29/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211229/0712Z 24503@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A warm November is the sign of a bad Winter
---------
Did You Know -
-1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
---
Desiderata - Max Ehrmann, 1927
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
---
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
Through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up to the
Belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants he had decided to call it a day when an
Armless man approached him and said he was there to apply for the bell
Ringers''s job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
On the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had found
A replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and
Plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
Drawn by the beautiful music they had heard moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,"
Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
(scroll down)
"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due
To the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
His interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of
The poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
Yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in
This duty."
The bishop agreed to audition him, and as the armless man's brother stooped
To pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his
Chest, twirled around, and fell dead on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
Rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the
First monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
(.....Wait for it.......)
"BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER
--
The Arrogance of Authority
The DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher,
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said,
"Okay, but don't go in that field over there ...",
as he pointed out a distant location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge
and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?!
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I damn well wish....
on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given!
Have I made myself clear ... do you understand???"
The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams,
looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life,
being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrude's bull ...
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the
officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety.
The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs ..
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge ... show him your BADGE!!"
Revenge
-------
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and
Threw it to Fido, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a
Friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
-----
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The bartender says,
'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his
arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'... Well, It's Not Unusual ... .'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy
says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
10. Deja-Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, 'Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says, 'Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit
a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17.. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and
asked them to disperse.
But why, they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
open foyer.'
18. A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
You've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath...
This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mink
----
Sean was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Sean thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one
Condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Sean replied.
Expert
------
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck
Outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and
Looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I
Responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What
Did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
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