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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 16.12.21 09:16l 247 Lines 7363 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24032_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 16/12
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Sent: 211216/0645Z 24032@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground
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Did You Know -
-The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
----
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight
when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart
and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
----
Humility is not thinking less of yourself - it is thinking of yourself less
---
Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never
received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He
called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways.
"Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last
year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities!
What do you have to say for yourself?"
The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long
illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual
income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is
blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose
husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"
The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
you?"
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The Modern English Dictionary
Every year new words enter the dictionary reflecting changes in the use of our language.
Here are some new offerings by MIKE BARFIELD of Private Eye Magazine.
Ad nauseum - Sick of adverts.
Amalgamation - A gathering of dentists.
Baby monitor - The modern child's introduction to surveillance society.
Bitter end - The all-conquering onward march of lager.
Blow-up doll- Attractive suicide bomber.
Boomerang - Eco friendly toy: impossible to throwaway.
Call-out charge - Money paid to plumber for privilege of offering work.
Carcinogenic - Property of anything drunk, eaten, or inhaled that is
Pleasurable. Cash - Outmoded currency kept alive solely for the convenience of builders.
Caveat emptor - Latin phrase translating roughly as 'Beware of bin men'.
Chastity belt - The area of land surrounding a nunnery.
Valentine's Day - Occasion each year when men send their loved-ones
Flowers-and sometimes their wives get them, too.
Wheelie-bin - Rodent meals on wheels.
Windbreak - A few days' respite from the Atkins diet.
X - 1) An old film classification certificate, now roughly equivalent to today's PG
2) A kiss.
XX - Two kisses.
XXXX - Lager
XXXXX - Pools' coupon.
XXXXXL - Average American clothing size.
Zero-tolerance - The strange ability of Tynesiders to not notice the cold
Zimmer - Old persons frame of reference.
Ageing !!
1977: Long hair
2008 : Longing for hair
1977: KEG
2008: ECG
1977: Acid rock
2008 : Acid reflux
1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2008: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1977: Seeds and stems
2008: Roughage
1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2008: Receiving a new hip joint
1977: Rolling Stones
2008: Kidney Stones
1977: Screw the system
2008: Upgrade the system
1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2008: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1977: Passing the drivers' test
2008: Passing the vision test
1977: Whatever
2008: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting university this year were born in 1993
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the 3 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!
Slight sexual connotations below .....
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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people
are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your flippen plane!!'
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna
have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M
A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the dark! ' says Murphy.
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing
sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the
bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole bed by the looks of it!'
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Paddy's chat up line:
Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!!
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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who's head was found on Arbroath beach
was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I
don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!'
he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey!
There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What's his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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