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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 15.12.21 09:04l 327 Lines 8356 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23996_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 15/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211215/0642Z 23996@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A cold bitter Christmas, a fat churchyard
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Did You Know -
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they
Are 2-6 years old.
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Worthy of Thought:-
Two pigs were in a very cold sty, shivering. One said to the other,
"Don't worry. We're getting blankets for Christmas!"
Sadly Bernard Mathews died aged 90 recently At the autopsy his
organs were removed, put into a clear plastic bag and shoved up his bum.
He will be cremated next Thursday at Gas mark 8 for 4 hours.
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Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the
winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, oi've only got a small garden."
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the
police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake
to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the
police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a
bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, Oi tink it's beef"
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of
a tractor. Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom
lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50
million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for
their own oil
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year
I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year “
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor
was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do
you stay in such great physical condition?''I am Scottish and I am a golfer,'
said the old fellow: 'and that is why I'm in such good shape. I am up well
before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee
glass of whisky, and that's it.''Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps,
but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?''Who
said my Da's deid?'The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years
old and your Dad is still alive.How old is he?'He is 100 years old,' said the
old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed WI me this mornin', and then we went
to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he
is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.''Well,' the doctor said, 'that
is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's
Dad? How old was he when he died?''Who said my grandad is deid?'Stunned,
the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still
living! Incredible, how old is he?''He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish
golfer.The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?''No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin'
because he is getting married today.'At this point the doctor was close to
losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old bloke want to get
married?''Who said he wanted to?'
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SMART ANSWERS
The last one is a worthy winner.
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
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5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
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4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
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3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he
stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
way without a ticket.
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2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, here?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
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A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
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WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (Taken from papers written by a class of
8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.
They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the
shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and
caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we
shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How
come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers
with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.''OH,'' HE
SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE
JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT,
WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD
THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS
HIM!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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