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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 14.12.21 09:04l 261 Lines 6346 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23939_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 14/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211214/0647Z 23939@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A tough apple skin means a hard winter
----
Did You Know -
-Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
-----
Quotes
Work as if it was your first day
forgive as soon as possible
love without boundaries
laugh without control
and never stop smiling
even if you don't know the reason/*
helga flemister
--
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS:
Smart man smart woman = romance
Smart man dumb woman = affair
Dumb man smart woman = marriage
Dumb man dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC:
Smart boss smart employee = profit
Smart boss dumb employee = production
Dumb boss smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATHS:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
---------
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear
was closing in on him..
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for
him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him...
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation
to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to
treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw,
brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
------
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?
You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, I feel fine."
"What about the wooden Leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the Pirate, "We were in a battle,
and I got hit with a cannon ball, a lost the leg, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The
pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight and my hand
was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"Well what about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls
flew over. I looked up, and one of them messed in my eye."
“Now I know you're kidding me," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird muck." "It
was my first day with the hook."
-------------------
Sexual nature -
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old
do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-
fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.?
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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