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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 12.12.21 11:22l 347 Lines 7791 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23872_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 12/12
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Sent: 211212/0908Z 23872@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A ring around the moon or sun and rain approaches on the run
---
Did You Know -
  Â
-People do not get sick from cold weather it's from being
Indoors a lot more.
Â
----
*THOUGHTS**FOR CONSIDERATION*
Wouldnâ€Öt you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court
When the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
--
One thing's for sure: somebody at the "Indian Hills Community Centre" in Colorado has a wonderfully wry
sense of humour and a darned good way with words -
MY MOOD RING IS MISSING AND I DON'T NOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.
DESPITE THE HIGH COST OF LIVING, IT REMAINS POPULAR.
I'M FRIENDS WITH 25 LETTERS OF THE ALPHABET I DON'T KNOW Y.
COW STUMBLES INTO A POT FIELDS! THE STEAKS HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGHER.
CRUSHING POP CANS IS SODA PRESSING.
IN SEARCH OF FRESH VEGETABLE PUNS - LETTUCE KNOW.
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST DIDN'T GET IT.
BIG SHOUT OUT TO MY FINGERS, I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON THEM.
IRONY. THE OPOSITE OF WRINKLY.
TRIED TO GRAB THE FOG, I MIST.
----
Money
-----
A young man was having some money problems and needed $200 to get his car
Fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So He calls
his parents via the operator and reverses the charge and says to
His father"Dad I hate to ask but I need to borrow 200 dollars."
At the other end his father says"Sorry I can't hear you son I think
There may be a bad line."
The boy shouts"Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"
"Sorry I still can't hear you clearly" says his father.
The operator cuts in"Sorry to butt in But I can hear him perfectly
Clearly."
The father says"Good. YOU send him the money!"
Promotion
---------
Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company
He worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer and told him"Listen it means
Nothing they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not Bernie boy decided to
Call the grocery store.
A clerk answered and Bernie said "May I speak with the Vice President of
Peas please?"
The clerk replied "Canned or frozen?"
-------------
TWO WOODPECKERS
A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing
About which Place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had
A tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The California woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly
Pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to
Peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable.
The Hawaii woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it so
Accepted the challenge.
After flying to California the Hawaii woodpecker successfully
Pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the
Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian
Woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree but neither one was able to
Peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering they both came to the same
Conclusion...
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
---------------
Sexual
--------
There is a moral to this story......
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a
stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.....
------
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey
Grabs some olives off the bar and eats them then grabs some sliced limes
And eats them then jumps up on the pool table grabs the cue ball sticks
It in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says"No what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah that doesn't surprise me" replies the patron. "He eats everything
In sight the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
Finishes his drink pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He
Orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it sticks it up his butt pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt then pulled it out and ate
It!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah that doesn't surprise me" replies the patron. "He still eats
Everything in sight but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures
Everything first!"
-----
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
Without the slightest success.
Finally thoroughly exasperated she said "If any of you can tell me the
Name of the town where you were born without stuttering I will have
Wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
Water. so who wants to go first ?"
The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham"he said.
"That's no use Trevor" said the speech therapist"Who's next ?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
That's no better. There'll be no sex for you I'm afraid Hamish.
How about you Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London".
Brilliant Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
----
Best Wishes
Dave
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