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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 11.12.21 09:19l 340 Lines 11636 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW BID : 23825_GB7YEW Read: GUEST DJ6UX Subj: jokes 11/12 Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<OE5XBL<DB0FFL<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS< CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW Sent: 211211/0702Z 23825@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18 As Grandmother used to say Year of snow fruit will grow --- Did You Know - Â Â -A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years. Â ------- *THOUGHTS**FOR CONSIDERATION* Bumper sticker of the year: If you can read this, thank a teacher And since it is in English, thank a soldier And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. -- A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says.................. "Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard." -------- SEASONAL GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, Gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, Secular practices of your choice, or with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice Religious/secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010 Of the common era, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, nor without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, IQ, chronological status, mental deficiencies, religious faith, or sexual preference or practices of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable At the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent Holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. All taxes are the responsibility of the wishee, and the decision of a panel of arbitrators is final in the event of a dispute. In spite of being advised that the above small print should be included, we will content ourselves with Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Sincerely, Fraternally and Electronically, David -------- Frank Feldman A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got in and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. YouÃ¢â‚¬âä¢re just like Frank." Passenger: Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. HeÃ¢â‚¬âä¢s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "ThereÃ¢â‚¬âä¢s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybodyÃ¢â‚¬âä¢s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything, not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate; shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman" Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: Ã¢â‚¬Å“I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife. *************************** A bloke, we'll call him Alan was walking down the Street when he was accosted by a particularly Dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him For a couple of quid for dinner. Alan took out his wallet, extracted a tenner and Asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Alan asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need Everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course Instead of food?" Alan asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't Played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red Light district instead of food?" Alan asked. "What disease is worth getting for ten lousy quid?" Exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said Alan, "I'm not going to give you the Money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my Partner, Jane." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't she be furious with you for Doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." Alan replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex." Irritation ---------- There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously The employee training film at my local bank. Politician ---------- The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone Rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good News. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time like This?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 Charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the Money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and Knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back, same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon For a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked Over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're Already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free' She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------------ One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when One of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked Up at the Sky and said 'Where'? They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------------- While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate Agent which direction was north because, he explained, he Didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun Rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep Up with all that stuff.' They Walk Among Us!! ---------------------------------- I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the Call centre was open. I told him, 'The number you dialled is open 24 hours A day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.' They Walk Among Us! --------------------------------------- My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut Through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the Boot. They Walk Among Us! --------------------------------------------- My friends and I were buying beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10Â½ Since it was a big party, we bought 4 cases The cashier multiplied 4 times 10*nd gave us a 40Ã°discount.\ They Walk Among Us! ---------------------------------------- I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I Went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags Never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a Trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has Your plane arrived yet? They Walk Among Us! -------------------------------------------- While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man Ordering a Small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he Would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time Before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry Enough to eat 6 pieces.'\ Yep, They Walk Among Us! They Walk Among Us, And they Reproduce, And Worst of all THEY VOTE ------- Dogs ---- A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that Go cheap?" The salesman says, "No, we have birds that go cheep. Our dogs go BARK!" Funeral ------- Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved, Departed friend Colonel Jones . Let us remember that here lies only the shell--the nut has Gone!" --- Best Wishes Dave
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