| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.12.21 09:35l 225 Lines 9425 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23597_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 6/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211206/0718Z 23597@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When cats wash behind their ears it means rain
------
Computers
---------
Todd's Law of Computer Problems: Anytime you start violating the laws of
Physics and sending little packets of information around through wires
You're just asking for trouble.
----
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A: A deep C diva
–
FOR SALE: A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl - box seats
plus airfares, accommodation etc. However,he didn't realize when he
bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding, so
he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's
Church, in New York City, at 5pm. Her name's Louise, she's 5'4", about
125 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year. She will be the one in the
white dress.
---
Zimmerman Brothers Butcher Shop
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butchers which has a
sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per kilo". The man
says "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 kilos of your ground
sirloin please."
Vaughn the butcher shakes his head and says"Sorry. We're all out."
The man disappointed goes down the street to Zimmerman Brothers Butcher
Shop and asks"How much is your ground sirloin?". Samuel the older
brother says"It's $3.29 per kilo."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells
it for 29 cents!"
Samuel Zimmerman smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks "Does he have
any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well" says Zimmerman. "When I don't have any I can sell it for 19 cents
per kilo!"
--------------
Who is your real best friend?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
-------------------
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-centre, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
-----------------
In evidence the court heard that the plaintiff in the case had taken an action against
the proprietors of a local theatre. The background to the case was that, in the
course of a recent performance at the theatre, his mobile telephone went off, and
he was immediately requested by ushers to leave the auditorium. This incident had
caused him no little measure of embarrassment, and he felt that the least he was
entitled to was to have been re-imbursed for the price of admission. For their part,
the directors of the theatre explained that patrons had been requested to ensure
that their phones and pagers had been turned off. The play was a very serious one,
and the interruption had come at a vital part when the whole point of the play was
unfolding.
"It could be said," remarked the presiding judge, "that this was one of the audience
who got the message."
***************************
1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'... Well, It's Not Unusual ... .'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja-Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17.. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
But why, they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, You've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath...
This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!
-------------------
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was "fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chest is
so big she can only fasten eight."
---
Best Wishes
Dave
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
