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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 05.12.21 09:05l 215 Lines 7081 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23552_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 5/12
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<ON0AR<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 211205/0650Z 23552@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
It's Brass Monkey weather out there!
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Traffic
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"One way to solve the traffic problem would be to keep all the cars that
are not paid for off the streets." -- Will Rogers
-----------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas
the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the
second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a
transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the
current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the
area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party
of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between
the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or
without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder
or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and
rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this
point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party
of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party
of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local,
state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved,
the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of
the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful
to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point
also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the
option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorised by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
–
Things To Make You Ponder !
30. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
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Dogs
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A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that
Go cheap?"
The salesman says, "No, we have birds that go cheep. Our dogs go WOOF!"
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Thinking back a few years, living in Florida, I remember Hurricane Matthew.
I was ready for it but my wife was not.
When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing,
the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as
well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the spot.
She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with her
nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me
forever.
Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily
lessened, I felt it was safe to open the door to let her in...
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Funeral
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Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved,
Departed friend. Let us remember that here lies only the shell--the nut has
Gone!"
Investment
----------
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you
Buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to
Invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.
Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on
That hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during
The last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be
Listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he
Doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short
Position is what a person usually ends up being in (I.e. "The rent, sir?"
"Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which
Is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and
Your broker is making a margin call.
Fighter
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At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full-size mock up of
An F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get
A sense of what the pilot sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges
In the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to
Each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all
He saw and heard. Then he looked out at us and said, "Grandma, could I have
A quarter?"
Motorcycle
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A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he
Knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he
Knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off
The road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.
Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
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Sexual content-
Two Irishmen Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a
Lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea. He went next door to the butcher's
Shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where
He immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
Whisky. Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
Will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They
Downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my
Zipper, you pretend to kiss it" The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub after pub, getting more and more drunk,
All for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do
Any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!" Murphy said,
"How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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