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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 26.11.21 10:05l 325 Lines 8444 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23260_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 26/11
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<VK6HGR<VK7AX<VK2IO<N7HPX<W9GM<
GB7YEW
Sent: 211126/0655Z 23260@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Onion skins thick and tough, coming winter hard and rough
---
Thanks Ian
Got up at 5am, 8Km run completed, came back and prepared a vegetable smoothie for breakfast…
Donâ€Öt remember the rest of the dream …
–
--
CALL THE POLICE- WHEN YOU'RE OLD
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...I can't find her and I'm getting a
little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her, what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,and is wearing short shorts.
What does _your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,--- let's look for yours.
************************/
And this final one especially for me,
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . .it will!
----
Things To Make You Ponder !
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
------
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an
Accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the
Lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
My favourite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
Question. Did you, or did you not say, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
Was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
Fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman
That he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing
My client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
Question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer,
I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just
Loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
The highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
Smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
Hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie
Moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could
Hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
Her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman
Came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?'"
--------
Please sort the following into MALE and FEMALE and give reasons
FREEZER BAGS
PHOTOCOPIERS
TYRES
HOT AIR BALLOONS
SPONGES
WEB PAGES
TRAINS
EGG TIMERS
HAMMERS
TV REMOTE
Scroll down to see the "right" answers
>
>
>
FREEZER BAGS: male they hold everything in but you
can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: female once turned off it takes a while
to warm them up again.
TYRES: male they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: male to get them to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under them.
SPONGES: female they are soft squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: female they're constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: male they always use the same old lines for picking
up people.
EGG TIMERS: female over time all the weight shifts to the
bottom.
HAMMERS: male in the last 5000 years they've hardly
changed at all but are occasionally handy to have around.
TV REMOTE: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would
be male but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure he'd
be lost without it and while he doesn't always know which
buttons to push he just keeps trying.
-------------------------
Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.
Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...
Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them
Forever.
Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one
Would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????
Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: I) no mind ii) no business
Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
Marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
Intention of driving.
Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!
Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.
----------------
Material of a sexual nature follows
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress..
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
The same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered
The coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But ! I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?
''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
---------------------------
"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal
Information about its customers, such as their political affiliation, on
Computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution,
Sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal
Abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting
Them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program
To search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He
Tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear
Rich Bastard."
The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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