| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.11.21 09:35l 239 Lines 6284 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23196_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 23/11
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<OE5XBL<DB0FFL<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<GB7CIP<
EI2GYB<N5MDT<GB7YEW
Sent: 211123/0711Z 23196@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Evening gray and morning red, put on your hat or you'll wet your head
----
Thanks Ian
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.I said I was afriad Mark Zuckerberg was listening!She laughed, I laughted. Alexa laughed.Siri laughed.
---
CALL THE POLICE- WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
This is so true
I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place.
-----
Things To Make You Ponder !
20. I have a degree in liberal arts do you want fries with that?
---------
Glasgow University
A recent study conducted by Glasgow University found that the
average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen
drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Scottish!
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
'Any idea where we are?'
Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
-----------
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new
high - tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to
the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they
were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even
10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20
percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband
continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had
experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
________________________________
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
-------
Minor sexual content
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
He asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
Passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
Have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed
And again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
Hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
Afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
Head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
Have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
Trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you
Don't.....'
------------
Dear Walter I hope you can help me here. The other day I
set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down
the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered
to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our
bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41my husband
is 44 and the neighbour's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him
he admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made
redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very
much but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid
I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
by a number of faults with the engine. Start by checking that
there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear check the vacuum
pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem
it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty causing low delivery
pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps
Walter
--
Best Wishes
Dave
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
