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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.11.21 11:58l 366 Lines 12176 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23113_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 20/11
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Sent: 211121/0701Z 23113@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The higher the clouds the better the weather
------
Vet Bills
---------
While waiting at the veterinarian's office I overheard two women chatting
About their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well we used to call her Pork Chop" answered the second lady. "But after
The vet bills we've had for her we now call her Filet Mignon."
-----
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
the back door to go and turnoff the light, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said
"No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing
things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I
just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
---
Things To Make You Ponder !!
19. Procrastinate now!
----
What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?
... A receding hair line.
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Drowning
--------
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the
deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.
A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't
swim. Please save her! I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the
woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at
the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do
I owe you?"
------
1 Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had
an affair with another woman..'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put 50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
Walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 on the box, and
According to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate Love to
me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass
and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife
Was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4 Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
Asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
An animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 5,000 is
Enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
Ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate 10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6 Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
Children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7 Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like
a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks
how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8 Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9 Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him
in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you
doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little devils!'
Some Sympathy!
--------------
Dad was up early Saturday morning mowing with a lawn mower around some
trees near our pond. The grass was still wet from the dew, which made the slope
he was mowing very slick. While lifting an evergreen branch, Dad's foot slipped
under the mower!
He was very lucky, the blade didn't cut through his shoes. It did whack his big toe
a few times before he managed to pull his foot out though.
A few days later, Dad was telling the story to a neighbour, and showing him his
bruised and swollen toe. The neighbour took a close look at the toe and then
said, "Looks like you need to sharpen your lawn mower blade."
Married
-------
My wife said she wishes I would act like I did before we married....
So I started dating.
Island
------
"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on
Vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which leads to the
Question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?'"
Work
----
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,
Some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." -- Sam Ewing
Holidaymakers' Complaints
-------------------------
According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holiday makers are just never
Satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer
Complaints received by the firm in recent years:
1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every
Restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.
2. The beach was too sandy.
3. I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was
Too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.
4. It rained on my birthday.
5. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined
as my husband spent all day looking at other women.
6. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
Not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
Needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.
8. We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euro from a street trader, only
To find out they were fake.
9. None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the same
As at home.
10. I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It
Was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.
----------------
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.
'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000
AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, SCOTLAND.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN. You may say. 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'
Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.
(WHO SAID MORTICIANS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)
YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!
= God Bless Scotland =
--------
Sexual content
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport .
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into Coolangatta . I want to thank you
for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,
'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel,
take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the
huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her,
take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all
night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure
out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the
plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the
cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down
she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry,
dear.............
He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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