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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 17.11.21 21:04l 236 Lines 7329 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22802_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 11/11
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211112/0706Z 22802@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If corn husks are thicker than usual a cold winter is ahead
---
Thanks Colin
1) Bill's wife didn't order anything on-line yesterday, so the UPS man
knocked on the door to see if we were OK.
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THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . .
MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
36 - Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years . . . . but you can now see the burgeoning impact . . . . and it's just starting to get ramped up . . . .
Resolution
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One of your resolutions should be to speak softly and sweetly. If your
Words are soft and sweet they won't be as hard to swallow when you have to
Eat them.
---------
Real 911 Calls "BELIEVE" it or not!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house
on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: no I'm wearing a blouse and slacks why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: no but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: fire I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. Put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir do you have an emergency?
Caller: well I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and...
Well.. Do you think the Fire Dept. Could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: yes ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: honey I may be old but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: no you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: yeah I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I
think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: sir where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at! A pay phone. North and Foster. Oh Darn!!!
Dispatcher: sir an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:! No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Church
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Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one our pastor was
Dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he
Asked my husband Sam to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and
Crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my
husbands' safety I waited in a pew. Unbeknown to me some parishioners
Were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me probably
assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled"Sam
Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice
Echoed down"Yes I made it up here just fine!"
Swimming
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My mum said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
And threw her off the boat. I said "mum they weren't trying to teach you
How to swim."
Courage
-------
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his
University. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay
On the topic"What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. finally he
Scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him got up and
Turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
Speeding Excuses
----------------
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses
That drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favourites.
By the way none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been
Stung by a bee and was allergic. "There's the bee right there" he said
Pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked.
The bee was not only dead But in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 110 kph on the shoulder of I-95 avoiding the
Bumper-to-bumper traffic. After half a kilometre he was stopped by an
officer. He jumped out of the car brushing off his pant sand told the
cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to
park" he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife
is ovulating" he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 130 kph. When he asked the driver whether
he had seen the speed-limit signs the man responded"I went by them so
fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 130 kph.
"My engine misses and I'm trying to clean out the carburettor" he told the
officer. For good measure he added"If I don't go this fast my car
won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court" one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going
to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill
Expressway was 80 kph the driver responded"Officer where have you been?
It's 105 now."
One speeder said simply "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 120 kph. When told he was
getting a ticket he asked the officer"Is there a senior citizen's
discount?"
Quotes
------
My father invented the burglar alarm - which unfortunately was stolen from
him.
-Victor Borge (1909 - 2000)
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
-Victor Borge
I only know two pieces one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.
-Victor Borge
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-Victor Borge
Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit everyone once a year.
-Victor Borges
When an opera star sings her head off she usually improves her appearance.
-Victor Borge
I had my electric cords shortened to save on electricity.
-Gracie Allen (1906 - 1964)
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-Gracie Allen
The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
-Gracie Allen
This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks
and no balances.
-Gracie Allen
The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to
sit in the balcony.
-Gracie Allen
It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it
seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier
than asking anyone else.
-Gracie Allen
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Best Wishes
Dave
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