| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 17.11.21 21:04l 213 Lines 7002 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22772_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 12/11
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211111/0655Z 22772@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When leaves show their undersides, be very sure that rain betides
--------
Thanks Ian
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A comma is a pause at the end of a clause *******************
---
THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . .
MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
37 - Fossil energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid . . . . to prevent competition from home solar installations . . . . but that simply cannot continue . . . . Technology will take care of that strategy in the not too distant future . .
--
Golf
----
Why am I using a new putter?
Because the last one didn't float too well.
(bonus golf humour)
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining
that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance
and swing and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first
green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto
the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow
asked the speechless pro.
The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. "Uh... You're supposed
to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said after he was able to
Speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
---------
Getting Lost
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side
burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong
turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already
in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness,
he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the
great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
-----
Kitchen Wisdom
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone
to prevent ice cream drips.
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake!
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up
to a year.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please
recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it
and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it
will keep for weeks.
Celery? Never heard of it!
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go
away!
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces.
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!
__________
Quotes
------
"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120
coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change."
--Jay Leno
"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish - the
language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not surprisingly the
Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss."
--Conan O'Brien
"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theatre snack has passed
away. His family was going to get him a regular casket, but then decided to
get the extra large one which was the better deal because it came with a
medium Coke."
--David Letterman
Selling A Car
-------------
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems
selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 kilometres on it. One day,
she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette
told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's
Not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the
car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it
should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell
your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 kilometres on
it!"
Good Bad And Worse
------------------
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen a Stanley Armani suit before.
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife.
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage.
GOOD: You went for the 200,000 km, head-to-tail warranty on the RV.
BAD: You watch the odometer pass 199,999.
WORSE: ..When a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet!
BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there!
WORSE: You get a bill for hosting a website - www.kiddiesleaze,.com
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High school...
BAD: ...Until a school counsellor urges therapy for both your son and daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid.
GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener.
BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him.
WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan.
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight, he tells you you're cute.
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumour going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.
---------
Best Wishes
Dave
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
