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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 29.10.21 08:40l 280 Lines 10998 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22160_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 29/10
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<
GB7YEW
Sent: 211029/0627Z 22160@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When your joints all start to ache rainy weather is at stake
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Thanks Ian
What do you call a bee that canâ€Öt make up its mind? A maybe.****************
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THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . . MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
22 - WATSON already helps nurses diagnosing cancer . . . . it's 4 times more accurate and many times faster than human nurses . . . .
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1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.
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The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven.
God looks at them and says"Before granting you a place at my side I
must ask you what you have learned what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard looks God in the eye and says“I believe in hard
work and in staying true to family and friends.
I believe in giving. I was lucky but I always tried to do right by my
countrymen".
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama and offers him a
seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says"What do you believe?"
Hillary says“I believe passion discipline courage and honour are the
fundamentals of life.
Like Obama I believe in hard work I too have been lucky but win or
lose I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence and he offers
her a seat to his right. Finally God turns to Trump and says"And
you Donald what do you believe?"
Trump replies"I believe you're in my seat.
Casinos
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Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while
gambling the big high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated
Defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact
electric Shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is if
you're at a big High-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown they just drag you across the carpet and
Touch your finger to the doorknob.
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German scientists dug 50 metres down and discovered small pieces of
copper. After studying these pieces for a long time Germany announced
that the ancient Germans 25000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone
net.
Naturally the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down. They
found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient
Russians 35000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
American scientists were outraged by this. They dug 200 metres down and
found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient
Americans 55000 years ago had cellphones.
.............................
For your consideration some of the most expensive catastrophes in
History
# 11. Titanic - $150 Million: The sinking of the Titanic is possibly
the Most famous accident in the world. But it barely makes our list of
top 10 Most expensive. On April 15 1912 the Titanic sank on its maiden
voyage And was considered to be the most luxurious ocean liner ever
built. Over 1500 people lost their lives when the ship ran into an
iceberg and sunk In frigid waters. The ship cost $7 million to build
($150 million in today's dollars).
# 10. Tanker Truck vs Bridge - $358 Million
On August 26 2004 a car collided with a tanker truck containing 32000
Litres of fuel on the Wiehltal Bridge in Germany . The tanker crashed
Through the guardrail and fell 90 feet off the A4 Autobahn resulting
in a Huge explosion and fire which destroyed the load-bearing ability
of the Bridge. Temporary repairs cost $40 million and the cost to
replace the Bridge is estimated at $318 Million.
# 9. MetroLink Crash - $500 Million
On September 12 2008 in what was one of the worst train crashes in
California history 25 people were killed when a metro link commuter
train Crashed head- on into a Union Pacific freight train in Los
Angeles . It is Thought that the metro link train may have run through
a red signal while The conductor was busy text messaging. Wrongful
death lawsuits are Expected to cause $500 million in losses for metro
link.
# 8. B-2 Bomber Crash - $1.4 Billion
Here we have our first billion dollar accident (and we're only #8 on
the List). A USAF B-2 stealth bomber crashed shortly after taking off
from an Air base in Guam on February 232008. Investigators blamed
distorted data In the flight control computers caused by moisture in
the system. This resulted in the aircraft making a sudden nose-up move
which made the B-2 stall and crash. This was 1 of only 21 ever built
and was the most Expensive aviation accident in history. Both pilots
were able to eject to Safety.
# 7. Exxon Valdez - $2.5 Billion
The Exxon Valdez oil spill was not a large one in relation to the
world's Biggest oil spills but it was a costly one due to the remote
location of Prince William Sound (accessible only by helicopter and
boat). On March 24 1989 10.8 million gallons of oil was spilled when the
ship's master Joseph hazelwood left the controls and the ship crashed
into a Reef. The Clean up cost Exxon $2.5 billion.
# 6. Piper Alpha Oil Rig - $3.4 Billion
The world ' s worst off-shore oil disaster. At one time it was the
world's single largest oil producer spewing out 31000 barrels of oil
per Day.
On July 6 1988 as part of routine maintenance technicians removed and
checked safety valves which were essential in preventing dangerous
build-up of liquid gas. There were 100 identical safety valves which
were checked. Unfortunately the technicians made a mistake and forgot to
replace one of them. At 10 PM that same night a technician pressed a
start button for the liquid gas pumps and the world's most expensive
oil rig accident was set in motion. Within 2 hours the 300 foot platform
was engulfed in flames. It eventually collapsed killing 167 workers and
resulting in $3.4 Billion in damages.
# 5. Challenger Explosion - $5.5 Billion
The Space Shuttle Challenger was destroyed 73 seconds after take off
due on January 281986 due to a faulty O-ring. It failed to seal one of
the joints allowing pressurised gas to reach the outside. This in turn
caused the external tank to dump its payload of liquid hydrogen causing
a massive explosion. The cost of replacing the Space Shuttle was $2
billion in 1986 ($4.5 billion in today's dollars). The cost of
investigation problem correction and replacement of lost equipment cost
$450 million from 1986-1987 ($1 Billion in today's dollars).
# 4. Prestige Oil Spill - $12 Billion
On November 13 2002 the Prestige oil tanker was carrying 77000 tons of
heavy fuel oil when one of its twelve tanks burst during a storm off
Galicia Spain . Fearing that the ship would sink the captain called for
help from Spanish rescue workers expecting them to take the ship into
harbour. However pressure from local authorities forced the captain to
steer the ship away from the coast. The captain tried to get help from
the French and Portuguese authorities but they too ordered the ship away
from their shores. The storm eventually took its toll on the ship
resulting in the tanker splitting in half and releasing 20 million
gallons oil into the sea. According to a report by the Pontevedra
Economist Board the total clean up cost $12 billion.
# 3. Space Shuttle Columbia - $13 Billion THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE
MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20
YEARS . . . . MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND
GRAND-KIDS WILL !! 22 - WATSON already helps nurses diagnosing
cancer . . . . it's 4 times more accurate and many times faster than
human nurses . . . . The Space Shuttle Columbia was the first
space-worthy shuttle in NASA's orbital fleet. It was destroyed during
re-entry over Texas on February 12003 after a hole was punctured in one
of the wings during launch 16 days earlier. The original cost of the
shuttle was $2 Billion in 1978. That comes out to $6.3 Billion in today
' s dollars. $500 million was spent on the investigation making it the
costliest aircraft accident investigation in history. The search and
recovery of debris cost $300 million. In the end the total cost of the
accident (not including replacement of the shuttle) came out to $13
Billion according to the American Institute of Aeronautics and
Astronautics.
# 2. Chernobyl - $200 Billion
On April 26 1986 the world witnessed the costliest accident in history.
The Chernobyl disaster has been called the biggest socio-economic
catastrophe in peacetime history. 508f the area of Ukraine is in some
way contaminated. Over 200000 people had to be evacuated and resettled
while 1.7 million people were directly affected by the disaster. The
death toll attributed to Chernobyl including people who died from cancer
years later is estimated at 125000. The total costs including
clean up resettlement and compensation to victims has been estimated to
be roughly $200 Billion. The cost of a new steel shelter for the
Chernobyl nuclear plant will cost $2 billion alone. The accident was
officially attributed to power plant operators who violated plant
procedures and were ignorant of the safety requirements needed.
# 1. Gordon Brown - $300 Billion. Since he came to power Gordon Brown
has spent £300 Billion with soaring public spending together with
propping up the banks the ailing economy which he also presided over as
Chancellor.
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Sexual content -
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
Starts putting on his coat. His wife seeing the unexpected
behaviour Asks 'Where are you going?'
He replies'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says'Why are you sick?'
He says'Nope I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
Of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says'Where the hell are you going ?
She answers'I'm going to the doctor too.'
He says'Why what do you need?'
She says'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing I'm
Getting a tetanus shot.'
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An elderly couple who were both widowed had been going out
With each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends they decided
It was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long
Conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the
Subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively-
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment adjusted his glasses
And leaned over towards her and whispered ...... "Is that one word
or two?"
Best Wishes
Dave
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