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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 27.10.21 07:53l 354 Lines 9443 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22100_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 27/10
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<GB7CIP<EI2GYB<N5MDT<GB7YEW
Sent: 211027/0547Z 22100@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When sea-gulls fly to land, a storm is at hand
--------
Thanks Ian
Whatâ€Ös the difference between a hippo and a zippo?One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter ******************
---
THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . .
MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
20 - Artificial Intelligence (AI): Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world . . . .
This year, a computer beat the best Go-player in the world . . . . (10 years earlier than expected) . . . .
Malapropisms
------------
He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
It was a case of love at Versailles.
He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.
In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.
My sister has extra-century perception.
A fool and his money are some party.
All's fear in love and war.
Nip it in the butt.
Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
To each his zone.
Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
Agreed, no more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.
It's a long road to hold.
All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.
------
How to read Haynes and Gregorys DIY car maintenance manuals...
Manual: Rotate anti-clockwise
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anti-clockwise
Manual: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Manual: This is a tight fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer
Manual: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start
Manual: Pry
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into
Manual: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size)
Manual: Retain tiny spring
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"
Manual: Press and rotate to remove bulb
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off now fetch some good pliers to dig out the
bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)
Manual: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing
then clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Manual: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it
Manual: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken it's about to be. We warned you.
Manual: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to balls it up?
Manual: Two-spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low teensy weensy
number but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in
fact that would have been more use to you)
Manual: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days
Manual: Four-spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Manual: Five-spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again
Manual: If not you can fabricate your own special tool like this
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Manual: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might jump up and down on it throw it at the garage wall
then find some mole-grips and a hammer
Manual: Inspect
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at then declare
in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep as I thought it's going to need a new one"
Manual: Carefully
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions
Manual: Retaining nuts
Translation: Yes thatâ€Ös it that big spherical blob of rust
Manual: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know
Manual: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: however starting the engine afterwards will be much harder Once that sinking pit of
your stomach feeling has subsided you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the
spark plugs
Manual: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: yeah right But you swear in different places
Manual: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off
Manual: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Manual: Everyday toolkit
Translation: AA Card & Mobile Phone
Manual: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace don't bother. Alternatively clamp with mole-grips
then beat repeatedly with hammer
Manual: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar what you need to do
-----------
These are actual metaphors taken from recent GCSE
Essays:
Her face was a perfect oval like a circle that had
Its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh
Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head making and breaking
Alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook
Latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly
Up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
The way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories hitting the pavement like a
Paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a
Sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black
Dots in the centre
Her vocabulary was as bad as like whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement just like
Maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate the star-crossed lovers
Raced across the grassy field toward each other like
Two freight trains one having left York at 6:36 p.m.
Travelling at 55 mph the other from Peterborough at
4:19p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed like the full
Stop after the Dr on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two
Hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding much like the sound
Of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during
the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red
crayon.
Even in his last years Granddad had a mind like a
steel trap only one that had been left out so long it
had rusted shut.
The door had been forced as forced as the dialogue
during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple like my brother Phil. But unlike
Phil this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look the kind you get
from not eating for a while.
Oh Jason take me!" she panted her breasts heaving
like a student on 31p-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck eitherbut a real duck that was actually lame.
Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined like
someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's
Not Butter."
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that
sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like
something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda
Jackson MP in her first several points of
parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP Leader
of the House of Commons in the House Judiciary
Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended
one slender leg behind her like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as
a rude shock like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an
oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition like fathers chasing
kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke he thought he
heard bells as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E-coli and
he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality like a
first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed
a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
accidentally staple it to the wall.
------------
Coarse -
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says"there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom and then a £10
Pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears and another and
Another and another etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor tank ya koindly dat's moch batt ER. Just out of interest How
Moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1990 exactly."
"Ah dat'd be roit''says the Irishman
(Wait for it...........scroll down.)
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
--
Best Wishes
Dave
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