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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 08.09.21 08:10l 336 Lines 10548 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 8/9
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Sent: 210908/0600Z 25640@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Small showers last long but sudden storms are short
----------
Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest:
Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use. However, this prize has rules.
The set of rules:
1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.
2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
3. You may only spend it.
4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.
5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, " Game Over ! It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.
What would you personally do?
You would buy anything and everything you wanted right?
Not only for yourself, but for all people you love. Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?
You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?
ACTUALLY This GAME is REAL!
Shocked ?? YES!!
Each of us is already a winner of this PRIZE. We just can't seem to see it. This PRIZE is *TIME* !!
1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life,
2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us.
3. What we haven't lived up that day is forever lost.
4. Yesterday is forever gone.
5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING....
SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?
Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars. Think about that, and always think of this: Enjoy every second of your life,
because time races by so much quicker than you think.
So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!
Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day.
Start spending....
----
Palm Reading ;-
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
---
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q ..Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
of the show!)
Not canned laughter like many shows today.
-------
Waiter, Waiter, do you have frog's legs?
Yes sir, this is the very finest of French Restaurants.
Well, hop over to the kitchen and get me a plate of eggs.
Waiter, Waiter, there is a bee in my soup.
Yes sir, it is the fly's day off.
Waiter, Waiter, there is a spider in my soup.
Yes sir, I put it there to catch the fly.
Waiter, Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Shhhhhh! Or everyone will want one!
Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
Waiter, Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.
Waiter, Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir that's the soup!
Waiter, Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir we serve anyone.
Waiter, Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.
Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir the coffee tastes like glue.
Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here?
Three months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
Waiter, Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.
Waiter, Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like the last time, please also bring me a hammer and
chisel.
Waiter, Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just moved the potato and there it was.
Waiter, Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig.
I'll take it back, sir, and bring you some that is.
Waiter, Waiter, do I have to wait here until I die of starvation?
No sir, we close at six o'clock.
Waiter, Waiter, if this venison, I'm an idiot.
Yes sir, it is venison.
Waiter, Waiter, has the chef got pigs' feet?
I can't tell, sir. He's got his shoes on.
Waiter, Waiter, this soup is cold. Bring me some that's hot.
Do you want me to burn my thumb, sir?
Waiter, Waiter, this restaurant must have a very clean kitchen.
Yes, sir, it has. But how did you know?
All the food tastes of soap.
Waiter, Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir. We serve anybody.
Waiter, Waiter, there's only one piece of meat on my plate.
Just a moment, sir, and I'll cut it in two.
Waiter, Waiter, will the band play anything I request?
Yes, sir.
Well, tell them to play cards.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over
The meat.
"Are you crazy," yelled the customer, "coming here with your hand on my
Steak?"
"What?!" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
----------
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous
Blonde on his arm. Show the lady your finest mink! The fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an
Absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on,
The furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers,
Ah, Sir, that particular fur goes for 165,000.
No problem! I'll write you a cheque
Very good, Sir. says the shop owner, Today is Saturday. You may
Come by on Monday to pick it up, after the cheque has cleared.
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: How dare you show your face in
Here?! There wasn't a single penny in your cheque account!!
Yes, sorry about that but I just had to come by, grinned the guy,
to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!
------
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married so Bruce goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says'Mr. Smith me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing Mr. Smith replies'Well
Bruce you are only 10. Where will you two live?'
Without even taking a moment to think about it Bruce replies'In Jenny's
room.
It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'
Still thinking this is just adorable Mr. Smith says with a huge grin'
Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny.'
Again Bruce instantly replies 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us
just fine.'
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well
Bruce it seems like you have every thing figured out. I just have one more
question..What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says'Well we've been lucky so far.'
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little brat is adorable.
-----------------
Weight Loss Program.......
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock on the door and There stands before him a
voluptuous athletic 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of The weight loss company.
The sign reads 'If you can catch me I'm yours.'
Without a second though he the takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing He finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and
The same thing happens. On the fifth day he weighs
Himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs.
As promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
Pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there
Stands the most stunning beautiful sexy woman he
Has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing a skimpy running outfit running shoes
And a sign around her neck that reads 'If you catch me I'm yours.'
Well he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best But no such luck.
So for the next four days the same routine happens with him gradually
Getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs
Himself he discovers that he has lost another
20 lbs. As promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to
Order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.
'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely' he replies'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door And when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular guy Standing there wearing nothing but pink running
Shoes and a sign around his neck that reads'If I catch you you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
--------------
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.
The pharmacist is a little bemused explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry"says the pharmacist"we don't have any"
'But I always buy it here" says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist
"YES"said the blonde"I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container
"TO APPLY PUSH UP BOTTOM."
---
Bob says to Lester"You know I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation only
this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years I took your advice as
to where to go.
Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii I went to Hawaii and Marie got
pregnant.
Then last year you told me to go to the Bahamas I went to the Bahamas
and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says"So what you gonna do different this
year?" Bob says"This year I'm takin' Marie with me..."
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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