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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 07.09.21 10:30l 296 Lines 9884 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25605_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 7/9
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VK2IO<GB7YEW
Sent: 210907/0814Z 25605@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The calm comes before the storm
-------
The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which others
can only aspire.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed
discreetly. "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact
meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance
or complete composure"
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few
months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a
weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and
myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills
plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb
very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove
the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the thorn made in his thumb was very sore. Kate
had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for
Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, is your
little prick still throbbing? And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of
coffee? That, Carson, is aplomb."
Thanks Colin
---
quotes
Patch griefs with proverbs.
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
--
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
------
GREAT ADVICE!
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run romp and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded don't buy into the guilt
thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day be silent sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.
And never trust anyone until you have sniffed them.
-------
The Funny Side of Marriage
* One woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
Wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Well,
Yes, but I married the wrong man."
* Getting married is very much like going out to a restaurant
With friends. You order what you want, then when you see
What the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
bachelors' degree and the woman gets her master's.
* Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
* A man once said, "I never knew what real happiness was
Until I got married; and then it was too late."
* A man took out a classified ad saying "Wife wanted". The
Next day he received a hundred responses saying "You can
Have mine."
* Some men define marriage as a very expensive way to get
Your laundry done free.
* And some learn that the most effective way to remember
Your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you
Know that either the wife is new - or the car is.
* Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't care!"
-------------
There was a conference in France where a number of
International engineers were taking part including French
And American. During a break one of the French engineers
Came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest
Dumb stunt Trump has done? He has sent an aircraft
Carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What
Does he intended to do bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our
Carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several
Hundred people they are nuclear powered and can supply
Emergency electrical power to shore facilities they
Have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3000
People three meals a day they can produce several
Thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each
Day and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
Transporting victims and injured to and from their flight
Deck. We have eleven such ships
how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference
That included Admirals from the U.S English Canadian Australian and
French Navies.
At a cocktail reception he found himself standing with a large group of
Officers
That included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped
Their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that whereas Europeans
learn many languages Americans learn
Only English.' He then asked' Why is it that we always have
To speak English in these conferences rather than speaking
French?'
Without hesitating the American Admiral replied ' Maybe
it's because the Brits Canadians Aussies and Americans
Arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting an elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in
Paris by plane. At French Customs he took a few minutes to locate his
passport in his carry on.You have been to France before monsieur?' the
customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The American said ''The last time I was here I didn't have to show it.
Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports
on arrival in France !'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard
look. Then he quietly explained'' Well when I came ashore
at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country
I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
--------
A blonde girl (B) is out shopping with a girlfriend of hers and is
showing off the new mobile phone which her boyfriend (BF) had bought her when suddenly
the phone rings. She obviously being one of the bright specimens of 'blondes '
answers the phone
B: hello?
BF: Hi Love it's me just thought I'd give you a ring
B: How on earth did you know I was at Harrods?
--------------
Sexual content -
While in China a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
purple spots.
Horrified he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor never having
seen anything like this before orders some tests and tells the man to return
in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad
news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well give me a shot or something
and fix me up Doc.'
The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror' Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies: 'Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery
is your only choice.'
The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims: '
Ah yes.... Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah yeah I already know that but what can
we do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta always
want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
Oh Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes' says the Chinese doctor'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fa' off by
itself!'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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