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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 10.06.21 07:58l 300 Lines 8673 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20604_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 10/6
Path: DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0ERF<DB0RES<ON0AR<GB7CIP<N7HPX<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 210610/0542Z 20604@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When bees stay close to the hive, rain is close by
---
Thanks Colin T
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them in the kitchen and then
guess when I'm at the supermarket.
Laughter is the best medicine. Or wine. It might be wine!
--
*A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business
when the gorgeous woman next to him started to
breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she
said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to
give it to this nice man next to us." *
*Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so
she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to
this nice man here." *
*A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come
on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off
four stops ago!"*
===
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this
take?" I ask. "
They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you
really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day
will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
-------------
These are actual metaphors taken from recent GCSE
Essays:
Her face was a perfect oval like a circle that had
Its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh
Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head making and breaking
Alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook
Latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly
Up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
The way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories hitting the pavement like a
Paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a
Sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black
Dots in the centre
Her vocabulary was as bad as like whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement just like
Maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate the star-crossed lovers
Raced across the grassy field toward each other like
Two freight trains one having left York at 6:36 p.m.
Travelling at 55 mph the other from Peterborough at
4:19p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed like the full
Stop after the Dr on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two
Hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding much like the sound
Of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during
the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red
crayon.
Even in his last years Granddad had a mind like a
steel trap only one that had been left out so long it
had rusted shut.
The door had been forced as forced as the dialogue
during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple like my brother Phil. But unlike
Phil this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look the kind you get
from not eating for a while.
Oh Jason take me!" she panted her breasts heaving
like a student on 31p-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck either but a real duck that was actually lame.
Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined like
someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's
Not Butter."
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that
sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like
something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda
Jackson MP in her first several points of
parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP Leader
of the House of Commons in the House Judiciary
Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended
one slender leg behind her like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as
a rude shock like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an
oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition like fathers chasing
kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke he thought he
heard bells as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E-coli and
he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality like a
first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed
a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
accidentally staple it to the wall.
------------
Beer - To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in
a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
----------
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her
knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
------------
Elderly Prenuptial Agreement
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.
She said, “I want to keep my house."
He said, "That's fine with me."
She said, "And I want to keep my Cadillac."
He said, "That's fine with me."
She said, "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."
He said, "That's fine with me...put me down for Fridays."
===
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
Jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When
The truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
Jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
Trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my
Name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his
Head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out
Of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
The truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my
Name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
The next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,
And runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she
Lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Joe, it's winter in Canada and
I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!!!!! -------
--------
Sexual
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
'What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves
you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out
of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment
like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I
saw how short the fuse was!'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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