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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 09.06.21 08:07l 320 Lines 7800 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20567_GB7YEW
Read: DJ6UX GUEST
Subj: jokes 9/6
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 210609/0604Z 20567@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Every day is a new beginning
-------
Thanks Colin T
This week's G7 Conference participants include: Sleepy, Frumpy,
Randy, Crafty, Sleazy, Hopeless and Dumb!
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn't coming
in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.
---
Notable Quotes
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
---
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot
wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the
root, and still be afraid of a spider.
-------
How to read Haynes and Gregory's DIY car maintenance manuals...
Manual: Rotate anti-clockwise
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anti-clockwise
Manual: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Manual: This is a tight fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer
Manual: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start
Manual: Pry
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into
Manual: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size)
Manual: Retain tiny spring
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"
Manual: Press and rotate to remove bulb
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the
bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)
Manual: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing
then clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Manual: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it
Manual: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken it's about to be. We warned you.
Manual: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to balls it up?
Manual: Two-spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low
teensy weensy number but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo
underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)
Manual: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days
Manual: Four-spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Manual: Five-spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again
Manual: If not you can fabricate your own special tool like this
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Manual: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might jump up and down on it throw it
at the garage wall then find some mole-grips and a hammer
Manual: Inspect
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at then declare
in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep as I thought it's going to
need a new one"
Manual: Carefully
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions
Manual: Retaining nuts
Translation: Yes that's it that big spherical blob of rust
Manual: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know
Manual: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: however starting the engine afterwards will be much harder
Once that sinking pit of
your stomach feeling has subsided you can start to feel deeply ashamed
as you gingerly refit the
spark plugs
Manual: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: yeah right But you swear in different places
Manual: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off
Manual: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Manual: Everyday toolkit
Translation: AA Card & Mobile Phone
Manual: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace don't bother. Alternatively
clamp with mole-grips
then beat repeatedly with hammer
Manual: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar what you need to do
------
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
-----
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked
her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone
naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
---------
Golf Ransom
-----------
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring
£50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. If you
Ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m. by the time he arrived at the designated
meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're
three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27
handicap."
-------------
THE BLONDE COWBOY
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming
down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so
he arrests
him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like
this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down
the road and this
pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So
I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
Shirt...so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ..
So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts !
......so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to
town cowboy... ".
So here I am.
Son of a Gun, "Blonde" Men do exist.
---------
Bad Language :-
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What
are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they
enjoyed a
few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was
'dry' and that
he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell
into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him
to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting
with the koala
in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the
river while taking a
drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the
rain forest,
found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The
crocodile looked
up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Faaaaaaaark dude...
How much water did you drink?!'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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