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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 05.06.21 08:15l 277 Lines 11008 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20390_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST DJ6UX
Subj: jokes 5/5
Path: DB0FHN<OE2XZR<OE6XPE<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210605/0604Z 20390@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When the stars begin to huddle, the earth will soon become a puddle
-------
Thanks Colin T-
Bill said to John, "You know why a woman's work is never done? It's
because they don't get up early enough!"
Two dogs talking. "I ask you. What kind of best friend would remove your
testicles?"
-----
Notable Quotes
Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Anon
----
There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One
day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it
to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four
feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The
scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So
the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps
three feet."
So the scientist cut off another leg. He told the frog to jump. The
frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog
with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog
jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with
one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook,
"Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
----------
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off. How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor
asked her.
Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. What?'
sputtered
the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
No, Silly,' the blonde said, 'first I put the gun to my chest, and
then I thought,
I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the
chest.'
So then?' asked the doctor. Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought,
I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself
in the mouth.'
So then?' asked the doctor. Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought:
'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear
before I pulled the trigger.
-----------
Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
Bill a spokesman for North West Gas said"We agree it was rather
High for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
For the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
Salami in her underwear. When asked why she said it was because she
Was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because
They cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
And they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
Was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
Commented"This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale the harbour master radioed a coastguard
And asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry but
He didn't have a gauge. However if it was any help the wind had just
Blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue Boscombe delighted the
Audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
Sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
1945 she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap but when the crocuses came up
In the middle of our lawn in February 1946 they spelt out 'Heil
Hitler.'" ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
----------------
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked
sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this
morning
I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling
sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off
to relax and rest.' Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind
off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and
allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss
decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the
blonde crying hysterically.. 'What's so bad now?
Are you going to be okay?' he asks. No,' exclaims the blonde, 'I just
received
a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
Medical Malapropisms
--------------------
In Austin, Texas, Emergency Medical Technician answered a call at the home
of an elderly woman whose sister had collapsed. As they were placing her in
the ambulance, the lady wailed, "Oh, lawdy, lawdy. I know what's the matter
with her. She done got the same thing what killed her brother. It's a
heretical disease. It's the Smiling Mighty Jesus!" When the technician got
the sister to the county hospital, she looked up the brother's medical
records to find that he had died of -- spinal meningitis. It is ironic that
the humour in hospitals, emergency rooms and doctors' offices -- some of the
scariest places -- can be so loopy. The giddy ghost of Mrs. Malaprop haunts
medical halls and application forms, where we discover all manner of exotic
conditions, such as swollen asteroids, an erection nervosa, migrating
headaches and shudders (a wiggy misnomer for shingles!). All the
malappropriate terms in this installment are authentic, miscreated by
anxious patients or hassled doctors and nurses. A man went to see his eye
doctor, who told him he had a case of myopera and would have to wear
contract lenses. That's a lot better than his friend, who had had a
Cadillac removed. Still, when he worked at his computer, he would have to
watch out for harbour tunnel syndrome. He worried that his authoritis of the
joints might be a signal of Old Timer's disease and fretted that a genital
heart defect was causing trouble with his duodemon. Another man was in the
hospital passing gull stones from his bladder while the doctor was removing
a cracked dish from his spine. After the operation, his glands were
completely prostrated. A hyannis hernia, hanging hammeroids, inflammation
of the strocum and a blockage of his large intesticle could have rendered
him impudent. It was enough to give a body heart populations, high
pretension, a peppery ulcer and post mortem depression -- even a cerebral
hemorrhoid. But at least that's better than a case of sea roses of the
liver, cereal palsy or sick as hell anemia. Any of these could cause one to
slip into a comma. A woman rushed into the lobby of a hospital and shouted,
"I use an IOU and my husband has had a bisectomy, but I still think I'm
fragrant!" Ultimately, she became three centimeters diluted and, narrowly
avoiding a mess carriage, went into contraptions. Her baby was born with
its biblical cord wrapped around its arm, and she asked if she could have
it circumscribed before leaving the hospital. Another woman experienced
itching of the Virginia during administration, which led to pulps all up
her virginal area and they had to void their reproductions. This was
followed by a tubular litigation and, ultimately, mental pause. Mental
pause can cause one to become a panic depressive and act like a cyclopath.
She didn't worry about her very close veins, but she thought that a
mammy-o-gram and Pabst smear might show if she had swollen nymph glands and
fireballs of the Eucharist. That's "fibroids of the uterus," and it's
something you can't cure with simple acnepuncture, Heineken Maneuver or a
bare minimum (barium) enema. Apparently, evasive surgery would be required.
Afterwards, she would recuperate in expensive care.
------------------
A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to
a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some
fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all
the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked,
'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents
to pop
out.The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to
roll up the windows first..'
-------------------
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter'.
--------------
A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk
to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot,
and cold
things cold.' Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing ... I'm going to buy
it!'
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss
saw it on her desk. 'What's that?' he asked. Why, that's a thermos ... it
keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired,
'What do you have in it?' The blond replied ... 'Two popsicles and some
coffee.'
----------
Course language
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out
counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of
old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants
proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought
it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day,
she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said,
"I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that
you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but
the management wants proof that you are buying the dog
food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was
able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The
little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the
box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into
the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That
smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of
toilet paper."
So........... Don't mess with old people.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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